Strange Adventures And Apparitions #155

The Uncanny X-Men #155
“First Blood”
Chris Claremont and Dave Cockrum

Synopsis
Lilandra’s been kidnapped and she’s probably somewhere on Earth. X-Men to the rescue!

Rolling Commentary
Hey, it’s the 80s! Know how I can tell? The haircuts, of course!

Page 3. Good thing none of the X-Men were taking a shower, apparently.

Page 5. Hey, does anyone else think this Samédaŕ guy is behind Lilandra’s kidnapping?

Page 7. Also, does anyone else think a relationship with Wolverine and Tigra might be very interesting?

Page 8. Hey, if he Shi’ar are so convinced that this was all Corsair’s fault, why did they let him go down to Earth with the X-Men?

Page 11. Apparently, the first hints of the Brood Saga are beginning, I suppose. For the most part that stuff will wait until the next Essential Volume, but now we know they exist.

Page 16. And the obvious resolution between Scott and Corsair. Yay.

Page 17. Panel 2 is all kinds of badass.

Page 19. Jesus. These Brood dudes do not fuck around, do they?

Page 23. Hey, that cover wasn’t joking after all, was it? Crap.

Post Mortem (it only looks literal)
Okay, I know that the Brood are really just Alien knock offs, especially considering the way they, uh, reproduce. But although they don’t have little mini versions of their mouths inside of their mouths, the Brood might arguably be cooler than the sci-fi monsters they take after. Why? Well, first off, they fight Wolverine, which makes everything better.

But in all seriousness, you can actually understand what these dudes are saying in this issue. And while having killer aliens that are as silent as they are terrifying (and by “silent” I mean “they don’t speak English”, not “they make no notable sound”. Although that might be cool too) works great in a sci-fi horror film, I honestly don’t think Claremont could ever pull it off. In case it hasn’t been made blatantly obvious to you yet, Claremont is much better at “telling” trough narration rather than “showing” through actions. It’s really his biggest fault as a writer, I feel.

Take the issue where Kitty “fights” the demon thing all alone (#143). While the monster is all well and properly scary, the only reason you have any semblance of what is going on is because of the narrative panels. However, the very existence of these panels breaks up the action and suspense of the story. It’s a self-destroying narrative structure, really. Claremont avoids all this by giving the Brood the ability to speak and comprehend English. I’m not sure yet if this will prove to be a good thing, or a bad thing.

Of course, the Brood have lasers. That’s way more than those Alien dudes ever had.

As to the actual issue at hand, I liked it well enough. The action was fun, and seeing Wolverine lounging around Avengers Mansion with a beer can was amusing. Plus, the ending was quite sad (though not so shocking since the same exact scene was on the cover), even though we all know better than to take it seriously.

Strange Adventures And Apparitions #154

The Uncanny X-Men #154
“Reunion”
Chris Claremont and Dave Cockrum

Synopsis
Cyclops and Storm are busy guarding the X-Mansion, when suddenly a spaceship crashes onto the property. Lovely.

Rolling Commentary
Again, I really think that when the X-Men play sport-type games, “No Powers” should really be a baseline rule.

Page 3. See! Wolverine’s unique approach to, well, everything allows for innovations in team building that you could never think of, Cyclops! You should be nicer to him.

Page 5. I enjoy that Professor Xavier is making fun of his own home security system. So did Magneto just fly off and leave his island undefended or something? Leaving all his toys for Charles to play with?

Page 6. As a side note, I don’t think I’ve mentioned that in Avengers Annual #10 where Carol Danvers lost her powers/memories, the reason she lost them was that they were absorbed by Rogue (who was making her first appearance) In case you don’t know anything about the next 25 years of X-Men history, that will be very important later on (sooner rather than later, really).

Page 9. That must be a pretty big lake they’ve got there.

Page 10. Scott rooted through Corsair’s pockets?

Page 11. Not the mansion again! Can’t we all politely wait ‘til we’re all on the front lawn or something?

Page 13. I know Corsair is being a bit of a jerk, what with the surprise welcome and uncomfortable revelations and bringing killer alien robots to the mansion and all. But I think mostly Scott wanted to punch him for the revelations part.

Page 14. Kitty vandalized the Blackbird? Wow. That’s hilarious.

Page 20. As if almost destroying New York wasn’t bad enough, now they’re going to destroy an oil storage field. Lovely.

Page 22. Oh. Well that’s pleasant, isn’t it?

Post Mortem
And now we begin X-Men: In Spaaaaaaace… (Part 2). I thought about making Dark Phoenix Part 2, but decided against it. The Shi’ar aren’t important until the last issue anyway.

Corsair’s a bit of a jerk, isn’t he? Between him and Charles, all of Scott’s father figures seem to be jerks. No wonder Scott is so uptight.

Man, those alien colony dudes were pretty cool, too. Too bad I don’t think we’ll ever hear from them again. Did Corsair just drive them to the point of extinction, maybe? Like, is that their entire race? Because that would be horrible.

I think Claremont likes destroying the mansion waaaaaay too much. They finished repairing it last freaking issue, and it got busted up just an issue before. Seriously, we just destroyed it again.

And hey! It’s been three issues since the last exclamation point title! Awesome.

Strange Adventures And Apparitions #153

The Uncanny X-Men #153
“Kitty’s Fairy Tale”
Chris Claremont and Dave Cockrum

Synopsis
It’s Illyana’s bedtime, so Kitty tells her a story. No, seriously, that’s it. That’s the entire freaking issue.

Rolling Commentary
Well, it’s time to rebuild the X-Mansion again, after last issue. Gosh, I can’t remember the last time the mansion got trashed like this was. Oh wait, yes I can. It was Issue 143. That’s ten issues ago, for those keeping track at home. Do you think Charles invests in particleboard companies or something? Because it really seems to me like he needs to start building the house with sturdier materials.

Page 3. Wait, Illyana was in the house the whole time?!? Was she so scared that she didn’t make any noise and the bad guys never went upstairs? Or did Claremont drop the ball on this and forget she was there for a while? (I’m thinking so)

Page 4. Dear god no!!!
*Ahem* That statement still standing, I doubt Logan and Charles will approve of their depiction here. First appearance of Lockheed! But it’s all fake, so don’t get your hopes up.

Page 7. Does fake Professor X not have any legs at all? Dude. Harsh.

Page 8. Oh, never mind, he does have them. They’re just permanently crossed, or something.

Page 11. I do kind of like this giant version of Lockheed, though.

Page 12. Xavier the Wizard says all this in Kitty’s story? She’s a wordy storyteller, isn’t she? Oh, and Lockheed rules.

Page 13. The Bamf’s a horndog, isn’t he? And why is Carol Danvers wearing a inversed Shazam symbol?

Page 15. Wolverine is the Tasmanian Devil and Storm’s a genie. Oy.

Page 16. … Ok. I admit it. Panels 1 through 4 made me giggle.

Page 20. Why does Lockheed keep calling Kitty "Colleen", anyway?

Page 23. And thus, Claremont gets the ending he always wanted.

Post Mortem
Oy. Thos episode is something, isn’t it? Damn pirates…

This episode is filler, obviously, but it is a little entertaining. It’s also the episode which led to the eventual arrival of Lockheed, which is a good thing, I think. He’s my favorite X-Dragon ever! Also, the only one. Still.

I don’t know. It’s an all right issue, for what it is. I’m just trying to figure out what the hell the point of it was. Do we really need yet another recap of the Dark Phoenix Saga? Seriously, no wonder Jean has so much trouble staying dead, even after she originally killed herself they keep bringing out her corpse once a week. No one even talked about Thunderbird two issues after he died, yet Jean almost gets more screen time in death than in life! *Sigh*

That being said, on a more personal note, I feel a need to inform “Pirate Kitty” of one very important fact. And that’s this:
Ninjas rule. Pirates suck.

Strange Adventures And Apparitions #152

The Uncanny X-Men #152
“The Hellfire Gambit”
Chris Claremont and Bob McLeod

Synopsis
Storm and Emma Frost have switched bodies! The X-Men have been taken captive! It’s up to Storm and Kitty to save the day- if Storm can convince Kitty she’s really not Emma, that is.

Rolling Commentary
Page 6. Man, Shaw is just all kinds of creepy if you ask me.

Page 9. Ok, seriously now. How come whenever Kitty does something less than brilliant, they punish her by grabbing the back of her pants? Seriously. What the hell?

Page 10. I know Storm can’t use Emma’s powers very well, but you’d think she’d hear Sebastian Shaw flipping over a freaking car.

Page 11. Colossus, you know he can’t actually be dead, right?

Page 14. So, how did Wolverine escape (and get his gloves and helmet)? Meh. I don’t know. He’s Wolverine. Works for me.

Page 16. These Hellfire goons get more and more lame every time we see the poor bastards…

Page 19. It’s the epic final battle, I guess. Is Storm (in Emma’s body) being held up there by the wind alone?

Page 21. … Ok, a little rushed with the resolution here, and didn’t we just have Storm going crazy with her powers during the Dr. Doom story? But this does seem to back up my theory that no X-Man is shown naked on-panel as much as Storm.

Post Mortem
Hey, did Amanda actually do anything? No? I mean, they kept making random hints that she would do something, and she seemed to bob her head back and forth quite a bit, but that was pretty much it.

Too much happens on the last three pages, and no one really solves anything other than the body swap stuff. Shaw managed to get a hold of government commissioned Sentinels- shouldn’t the X-Men be worried? Shaw’s in a comma, you know, whatever.

This issue was okay, I guess. It just ends really suddenly, it’s quite jarring. And the Amanda thing- are we going to see more of that stuff? Was this something that was originally going to be part of the plot and they just ran out of time? Hmm.

Strange Adventures And Apparitions #151

The Uncanny X-Men #151
“X-Men Minus One!”
Chris Claremont and Jim Sherman

Synopsis
Kitty’s parent’s pull her from the school and ship her off to Emma Frost’s academy. You ask me, something fishy is going on here.

Rolling Commentary
Man, Kitty’s parents are jerks. Or they don’t want their daughter to die horribly. One of the two. And yes, Nightcrawler, of course they can pull her from the school. They're her parents. Duh.

Page 4. Emma Frost is still an evil telepath. Shouldn’t Storm realize she’s probably manipulating the minds of Kitty’s parents?

Page 6. It’s the tearful goodbye page.

Page 8. Panel 5 is rather off-putting, isn’t it?

Page 9. Looks like Emma’s planted her consciousness into Storm’s body. Because she’s evil. I guess.

Page 12. Young Nightcrawler’s in love… it’s touching, really.

Page 13. …Until he gets zapped by a Sentinel, that is.

Page 15. Why is it that every time an enemy is “defeated” Cyclops seems sure that the team will never have to deal with them ever again?

Page 19. Man, Hellfire pawns are so completely useless. She’s on the ground, bleeding out the ears, but you guys still couldn’t capture her.

Post Mortem
Emma! Sentinels! Body swiping! Despite a really, really slow start, the second act of this issue was rip roaring action fun! Hurrah!

That all being said, the Hellfire isn’t the most organized of organizations, is it? First off, they never seem to be able to hire help that’s of any real use. Secondly, you notice how Shaw’s plan and Emma’s plan don’t really work together at all? Even though they’re the top two members? Hmm. Yes. As Big Barda would say, "They lack discipline." (No-Prize to whoever can name the exact reference!)

Emma’s got quite the set up at her school, doesn’t she? I wonder what will happen when she has her mental break down and leaves to help Charles? But that’s a long way off, I suppose.

Strange Adventures And Apparitions: Ridiculous Plot Edition

King-Size Annual! X-Men #5
“Ou, La La Badoon!”
Chris Claremont and Brent Anderson

Synopsis
Three fourths of the Fantastic Four is captured and taken to Arkon’s dimension by the evil Badoon! So, Sue Richards goes to the X-Men for help, and they all go to Space-Conan’s world to fight the greasy lizards. Oy.

Rolling Commentary
Ah, sexism in comics. Of course Susan is the one who’s cooking and wearing the apron. *Sigh* Stupid title too, but I guess we’ll see the Badoon here.

Page 2. What does she even see in Richards, seriously? Is it money or something? I mean, Namor has money. And an undersea kingdom he rules over. How many times has Richards gone bankrupt?

Page 3. I guess normal police calls never occur outside the Baxter Building.

Page 6. The Badoons are kind of jerks, aren’t they? But must we really go back to Arkon’s world? Really?

Page 10. Sue couldn’t have called the X-Men ahead of time? And Salem Center’s not all that far from Manhattan. What did she do, walk?

Page 11. Moira’s still at the mansion. I guess. Meh. And Christ, Charlie, Lilandra’s in danger once a freaking week. It’s what happens when you’re a space empress.

Page 12. … Wow. There are all kinds of things wrong with that costume. Kitty can be quite the exhibitionist. I guess.

Page 15. Man, these guys are the worst warrior race ever.

Page 16. I know whatshername is going to be right and Wolverine wrong in the end, but I think Wolverine’s reaction is the reasonable one. And is this plot kind of crappy, or is it just me?

Page 17. Perhaps someone should tell the Badoon that torture is not an effective way of obtaining reliable information.

Page 18. It’s good to see Claremont portraying Susan as the smart, confident, and put together woman she is. Wait…

Page 21. Well there goes the plan. Is Reed in pain? Can Reed even feel pain, what with his elasticity?

Page 22. How did Sue’s costume fit under there!? Seriously?

Page 23. Wow, the “Monster of Badoon”. Really? That’s the best the art department could come up with? Geesh.

Page 27. “Nothing can stop Colossus!” Next panel: Something stops Colossus! It’s like a bad sci-fi movie or something.

Page 29. Wow, that Badoon monster isn’t particularly bright.

Page 31. I know this won’t be a problem in the actual comic book, but has anyone considered that if you break the transit gate, all the Badoon there have no way to leave so you’ve no choice but to fight them? Cyclops really isn’t nearly the strategist he pretends to be. And where were these hordes of warriors when the Badoon first invaded, huh?

Page 33. Why is it that all species have weapons that look pistols? Seriously, both the Shi’ar weapons and the Badoon weapons have pistol handles. Stereotypical pistol handles from a freaking western flick. What’s up with that?

Page 34. It’s a good thing the Badoon’s self-destruct sequence is ridiculously complicated so that Reed has time to figure out a way to stop it. It’s not as if a series of remote-activated explosive charges would have done the same job faster and more efficiently or something.

Page 35. Well I’m glad that worked, even if it did bring a few fundamentals of science.

Page 36. Considering the long and drawn out battle that the Warlord suggests, they’re a very well dressed and clean group of warriors.

Page 39. Umm… ok. I didn’t really get an “I’m in love with you” vibe from these two before, but okay then.

Post Mortem
Blarg.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I really just could not get into this issue. First up, Arkon’s race is nowhere near as cool as they try to portray them. And the Badoon have always been lame. They're really, really bad at conquering things (except in the future, when they’re hardcore motherfuckers. But that’s like 300 years in the future, and right now they suffer from bad management). You can tell a species of aliens is totally lame because the Badoon conquered them. The Badoon are a snooty bunch of would-be badasses with an air of self-importance and ego who are actually really pathetic. Sort of the intergalactic version of the French, really (hah!).

The Badoon are hardly the only offenders, though. The Fantastic Four are spectacularly ineffective during most of this issue, with the portrayal of Sue being particularly offensive (to me at least). She spends the entire god damn annual standing around crying and screwing up things- in short, Claremont portrays her as a useless housewife. First, this is horribly out of character (I feel, but anyone can debate me if they like). Sue may be the subtlest of the FF in terms of powers, but she is arguably the most powerful (the argument here being between Sue and Johnny on this front). I really don’t care for this version at all. Not only that, but how stereotypical can this be? Was Sue shown like this to counterbalance Storm’s general level-headedness in the heat of battle? It just bothers me.

Hey, remember how these Badoon were somehow a threat to the Shi’ar too? Meh. Apparently not anymore. Plot holes? What plot holes?

This annual just really disappointed me and irritated me, I guess. Especially after the joycore factor of X-Men #150, this is just bland, annoying storytelling. Let’s throw a bunch of space alien stupid stuff (that makes no sense thematically with the point of the X-Men) altogether at once, just for laughs! And hey, we’ll put the Fantastic Four in there too! We’ll sell millions!

Bah. Wake me when something interesting/important happens.

Strange Adventures And Apparitions #150

The Uncanny X-Men #150
“I, Magneto…”
Chris Claremont and Dave Cockrum

Synopsis
Magneto makes his bid for planetary conquest, but is it really a horrific plan or could it usher in a new era of peace?

Rolling Commentary
Page 2. That was, ah, pretty amazingly badass, Magneto. I’m glad I wear my “Magneto Was Right” T-shirt once a week.

Page 4. I like how Scott can’t even conceive of the idea that Magneto would be saddened by Jean’s death. He can’t view Magneto as human in anyway, he sees only a vicious killer.

Page 7. I’ll say this for Magneto: He makes his point extremely clear.

Page 9. This page is funny but horrible at the same time…

Page 11. “Rescue mission”. Riiiiight. More like he’s on a vacation in the Caribbean while the X-Men are away.

Page 16. It’s the happy team reunion.

Page 17. Damnit, Scott, that line was totally uncalled for!

Page 21. Nightcrawler’s tail must be a lot stronger than it looks.

Page 22. Moral quandaries always cause Storm emotional problems, I’ve noticed.

Page 23. Yeah, I’m thinking Storm just blew her chance.

Page 24. Uh, Charles? Thought proof helmet? Yeah.

Page 26. All that effort for nothing. Can’t say I’m surprised.

Page 27. *Sigh* When will people ever learn? If there is no body, then they’re not dead. Come on, Magneto, you’re better than that!

Page 29. … But… where did this “emergency pack” come from? I don’t see it anywhere…

Page 30. I hope the X-Men appreciate that the only reason they’ve come this far against Magneto is that they caught him off guard.

Page 32. Again! Every! Single! Time! When will the X-Men learn not to send an armored up Colossus against Magneto! It’s a stupid, stupid move.

Page 33. Whoat! Helmet off! Oh, wait, Xavier’s just been knocked on the head. Never mind, they’re still screwed.

Page 34. I love the intensity of this battle. And if it was any other villain, I’d be with Wolverine on this one. But it’s Magneto, so I’m with Nightcrawler. Plus, you know, metal claws, Magneto, still a bad combination.

Page 37. See? Magneto feels horrible about what he did! He’s not such a bad guy, really.

Page 38. Eh, Kitty’s not so dead, really. And Magneto is an okay guy, if psychologically damaged.

Post Mortem
Hey, it’s the issue where Magneto starts to turn it all around! (sort of) It’s also really the first issue where we learn about Magneto’s origin. It’s a rather intense issue. Emotional, informative, and well paced. Magneto was always the coolest X-Villain, but here’s where he becomes one of the most interesting.

I’m going to let the issue speak for itself, rather than have me go on and on about it. If you haven’t read it, you really should. It’s quite excellent.

Strange Adventures And Apparitions #149

The Uncanny X-Men #149
“And The Dead Shall Bury The Living!”
Chris Claremont and Dave Cockrum

Synopsis
Charles is worried that Magneto might be up to something, so he sends the X-Men to Antarctica to examine the remains of Magneto’s old base. But what will they find there?

Rolling Commentary
Page 3. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the single absolute worst costume in comic book history. The only thing that makes it almost bearable is that it looks like a 14 year old designed it, so that bit works, story-wise. Still though. And Charles is still a dick. Question, if individual costumes are a graduation only thing, how come all of the X-Men got them when they went up against Krakoa? With no training. Don’t think for a second that I’ve forgotten that.

Page 4. Panel 1, did Storm just crack a joke?

Page 5. Wolverine still rocks it. And bah! Professor Buzzkill has another “situation”. Typical.

Page 6. Seriously, I’m enjoying this issue too much. What with the tossing Kitty around and the card playing and the smoking inside an airplane and such.

Page 7. I’m pretty sure that the means by which Logan is holding Kitty qualifies as sexual harassment.

Page 8. I glad someone finally commented on them. Seriously, Kitty, roller-skates? And I realize Wolverine’s a badass, but why is Storm not wearing a parka? She grew up in North Africa. She’s used to hot temperatures, not sub-zero ones!

Page 10. Damn it, it’s the flamin’ Petrified Man. And I was enjoying this issue, too.

Page 17. Oh, that’s why she’s wearing the skates? Dazzler? But… she wasn’t even wearing them last issue…

Page 21. Wow. Those are, uh, some outfits they got there. And huzzah for Magneto knowing it was Scott the entire time.

Post Mortem
Well, despite the villain being Garokk the Petrified Man (seriously, what’s up with him?), this issue was quite fun. The interaction with all the X-Men is great, and the slow build up with Magneto and Cyclops remains excellent (all setting up for next issue). It’s good times.

This is, apparently, also the issue of ridiculously bad costumes. Kitty’s still takes the cake, but Scott’s octopus chest ornament and Lee’s rather horrid headgear are fashion nightmares of the worst kind. Sigh.

Rather fun issue though. Onward!

Strange Adventures and Apparitions #148

The Uncanny X-Men #148
“Cry, Mutant!”
Chris Claremont and Dave Cockrum

Synopsis
Storm and Kitty, along with a couple friends, go to see Dazzler perform. But what’s attacking the people in the club?

Rolling Commentary
Pages 2 and 3. Oh man… I so want Cthulhu to be hanging out in this city. But again with the miss printed pages in my Essential Volume…

Page 7. I like this game Nightcrawler and Wolverine are playing. It seems… right, somehow.

Page 8. Hey, why’s everyone jumping on Wolverine here? He chopped up a robot. That’s your reasoning, Angel? Sheesh. I mean, he didn’t do anything to Arcade except scare him. How does that make him a violent berserker killer?

Page 9. I can’t believe I didn’t think of this earlier, but seeing Illyana there makes me wonder something. How did Miss Locke get her out of Russia? Like, seriously? And here’s the first time we foreshadow stuff about Illyana.

Page 10. First Theresa Rourke. Huzzah!

Page 12. I’m glad Miss Hunter took being captured by Miss Locke and crew in stride, and is still willing to associate with Storm and Kitty.

Page 14. That was he fastest costume change I’ve ever seen…

Page 20. So it was all a big misunderstanding, and don’t you guys feel foolish? Of course, now Caliban is gone. I wonder if we’ll ever see him again? (Yes.)

Page 21. Whatever, Storm. If Professor Xavier hadn’t found you a lot of Kenyan’s wouldn’t be starving right now (and no, I'm not going to drop that any time soon).

Page 22. Yay for Magneto!

Post Mortem
Well, it’s kind of a slow burner episode, but lots of character setup is here, which is a good thing. Angel’s continued discomfort around Wolverine, Colossus’ homesickness, the introduction of Banshee’s daughter. Good stuff.

Theresa’s comment that she had something from Banshee’s “cousin Tom” is a bit ominous, though, considering the past history with him. And since the last two times we saw him he brought with him first leprechauns (son of a bitch) then Arcade (god damn it), I fear his next appearance.

Hey, look, it’s Magneto. Huzzah! But seriously, the statistical odds of Cyclops falling off a boat he’s working on while on leave from the X-Men and being washed ashore to a small sandpit in the Bermuda Triangle, only to witness the very next day a giant island rise from the bottom of the ocean a stone’s throw away from his location, then to walk on over there and hang out for a bit, only to find it’s the new found home of freaking Magneto-

-well, those are some pretty astonishing chances. Yeah.

Oh, and Spider-Woman was in this issue. Which was cool.

Strange Adventures And Apparitions #147

The Uncanny X-Men #147
“Rogue Storm!”
Chris Claremont and Dave Cockrum

Synopsis
The X-Men go on the offense as they escape Doom’s prisons. But what happens when Storm has flipped her lid?

Rolling Commentary
Page 3. Talk about uncomfortable landings.

Page 5. Damn it, Victor, of course its Storm. Kill her now while you can!

Page 9. Yay for Colossus figuring out Doom’s deathtrap!

Page 11. More Wolverine back story goodness…

Page 15. For some reason I really enjoy the fact that Doom understands Wolverine perfectly.

Page 16. I, uh, think this is bad thing…

Page 18. I wish Storm would stop talking like she’s Evil Jean.

Page 20. Ok, this is starting to bother me. I don’t know why, but someone has used the word “holocaust” at least once every issue this volume. What the hell? It’s not like the word is commonly used, especially as Storm is using it now. It’s just weird and off-putting. It needs to stop.

Page 21. Doom is being awfully charitable here, isn’t he? But, Doom apologize? It feels… very weird.

Post Mortem
That was… relatively easy. I mean, Storm seemed pretty relaxed about the whole thing, after being locked in her body like that for so long. Plus, clearly she’s hung out too much with Jean Grey to be acting up like that. And why is Doom allowing Arcade to be walking about his castle like that, anyway? I’d though he wasn’t pissed at him anymore or something, but then at the end he still kind of is. What’s up with that? Grr.

Still, Doom rules. And clearly he’s not being portrayed as The VYLLAIN!!1! here, which is good. I like that at the end, the X-Men and Doom aren’t all “Grrr, hate you!” at each other. Doom is such a great character because of his layers and personality. Yes, he’s a dictator, but he’s also one of the best leaders in the world. Certainly he’s the most intelligent one. So it’s nice to see a superhero team not going “Bah! You’re EVIL!!!!” at him. That being said, he still was too lenient to Arcade.

A good couple of issues in this story arc, but it just seems as though the first issue was the best one and it kind of slows down from here.

Strange Adventures and Apparitions #146

The Uncanny X-Men # 146
“Murderworld!”
Chris Claremont and Dave Cockrum

Synopsis
Storm’s team of X-Men have been captured by Dr. Doom! But how will Havok’s team do invading Murderworld?

Rolling Commentary
Page 2. Okay, official new amazing phrase. “Truly, your arrogance rivals my own.” Awesome.

Page 6. Dr. Doom’s a pervert.

Page 8. Hey, Polaris is intelligently using her powers. Hurray!

Page 10. How the hell does Arcade have technology that’s resistant to EM Pulses? And “Where nobody ever survives”? Yeah. Except everyone always does.

Page 12. You know, Bobby, I think you’ve got your priorities wrong if, when faced with immediate and horrible death, your first thought is your academics.

Page 14. Yeah, Miss Locke, bullets verses someone with magnetic powers? Not that smart.

Page 15. Banshee, I think it might be a trap.

Page 20. Yay for Iceman’s quick rescue! But I told you it was a trap.

Page 21. Havok was always more interesting than Cyclops.

Post Mortem
It’s rather nice to see a team of X-Men that we generally ignore rocking it out. Havok’s team is doing much better than Storm’s. That being said, Havok’s team is fighting Arcade’s sidekicks (lame to the max), while Storm’s is fighting the single greatest villain in the Marvel Universe. Still, it’s cool to see them in action. Especially Iceman, who really hasn’t done anything at all since Claremont’s run began.

Are Banshee’s powers ever going to come back? I mean, I know they will, but it’s been like two years for the original readers. Seriously, let the man heal!

Anyway, this issue was enjoyable enough. But you know what? There was clearly not nearly enough Dr. Doom. There should be more Doom in comics.

Strange Adventures And Apparitions #145

The Uncanny X-Men #145
“Kidnapped!”
Chris Claremont and Dave Cockrum

Synopsis
Arcade’s assistant, Miss Locke, approaches the X-Men and tells them that she has their loved ones captive. If they want them back, they’ll have to rescue Arcade. The problem? His captor is Dr. Doom.

Rolling Commentary
Dr. Doom! Everyone’s favorite villain! But will Claremont use him in an interesting and thoughtful way, or as a cackling, mustache twirling annoyance? Umm… I don’t know. I haven’t read the issue yet. I’m hoping the former, though.

Floating Head Splash Page! JLA Style!

Page 3. Oh, Jesus, not more Arcade nonsense!

Page 4. Here’s hoping Dr. Doom does us all a favor and kills Arcade before the X-Men show up to rescue him.

Page 5. I like Amanda’s little stuffed Nightcrawler.

Page 6. Jeanie’s disembodied spirit looks a little torked off there, doesn’t she?

Page 8. Wolverine remains the voice of uncompromising reason.

Page 9. Lorna’s magnetic powers look pretty awesome here. And yay for vague sex comments at the end there!

Page 11. Well, Charles, I think it’s pretty clear that Magneto’s done whatever it is mostly to just fuck with you. It seems to be working. And did I miss something last issue? When did Scott have time to be washed ashore on some island?

Page 12. Sucks to be knocked overboard, doesn’t it? And what exactly is the blindfold doing to help? It’s not like it’s tight enough to force his eyes closed.

Page 14. Storm, as much as I appreciate you bravado here, is barging into the castle of Dr. Freaking Doom such a good idea? And why even bother rescuing Arcade? Go save the hostages! Screw Arcade, he’s a dickhead! Grr…

Page 15. Doom seems awfully relaxed. I think he thinks this is funny. Seriously, Storm, Doom could totally kick your ass.

Page 17. Make demands of Dr. Doom while your teammates invade his home? Yeah. I’m thinking Storm’s planned pretty much sucks completely.

Page 20. Doom rules. Also, do you think Wolverine will put on some new pants before they go to trash Doom? And why is Doom letting a loser like Arcade work with him?

Post Mortem
Does Storm simply have no idea who she’s dealing with? Because, when it comes to really, really stupid decisions, messing with Dr. Doom is probably at least Number 2 in the Top 10 Stupid Decision Countdown. Especially invading his castle and thinking he won’t notice. Yeah. Outrageously stupid.

Why the hell are you trying to rescue Arcade anyway? Leave the bastard to rot! Go rescue your families like Wolverine said! Gah. This is Charles’ fault, isn’t it? He decided you couldn’t just leave a jerk that tried to kill you all to his well-deserved fate at the hands of Victor Von Doom. Damn you Charles! Why do you show more consideration to sociopathic killers who have some past history with you then to starving Kenyans? (See Giant Size #1) Because you’re a dick. Also, because it’s a plot device used to get the X-Men to fight Doom. Sigh.

Otherwise, Doom rocked it so hard, I was beside myself (I often am, when it comes to Dr. Doom). It’s a good issue; I just think Storm and Professor Xavier are morons. But, again, why the hell would Doom work with a loser like Arcade?

And everyone salute the return of Dave Cockrum! Told you he’d be back.

This Issue! Things Get Worse! Wrap Up Time

If you ask most crazy super-comic book nerds (i.e. 45 year old virgins who live in their parent’s basements eating too many cheetos), this is the single best era of X-Men, ever. Luckily for me, and you fine people, I am not that crazy or that much of a comic book nerd. This volume of the X-Men has some excellent issues, and certainly some very emotional ones. But I’d hate to say that this was the absolute best, no matter what. Especially since I have a lot of Claremont’s run left to read.

Still, it’s been a good ride. About the only thing that would make it better is Magneto(!), and of course, if we had simply avoided Arcade. But whatever. Countdown time!

X-Men #120
X-Men #121
X-Men #122
X-Men #123
X-Men #124
X-Men Annual #3
X-Men #125
X-Men #126
X-Men #127
X-Men #128
X-Men #129
X-Men #130
X-Men #131
X-Men #132
X-Men #133
X-Men #134
X-Men #135
X-Men #136
X-Men #137
X-Men #138
X-Men Annual #4
X-Men #139
X-Men #140
X-Men #141
Uncanny X-Men #142
Uncanny X-Men #143
Uncanny X-Men #144

Good times for all. But when will Cyclops resolve his issues with the X-Men? What’s the Hellfire Club up to with Senator Kelly? Strange things are a-happening with the X-Men, when we have are next Essential X-Men Volume!

This Issue! Things Get Worse! #144 (Season Finale)

The Uncanny X-Men #144
“Even In Death…”
Chris Claremont and Brent Anderson

Synopsis
Lee Forester, Scott Summers’ current boss and pseudo love interest, gets a call from her dad. But all is not as I seems.

Rolling Commentary
Huh. It’s Man-Thing (read: NOT SWAMP THING). I always kind of liked Man-Thing. Even with his bad name. Whatever happened to him, anyway?

Page 3. Whoa. That was pretty hardcore to put in a comic, especially pre-Watchmen. And then there’s D’Spayre. Talk about your random comic book characters popping up in an X-book.

Page 5. So, that was, like, the shortest fist fight in history.

Page 7. Man, when Xavier is having money problems, you know the shit is bad. And wow. Wolverine and Nightcrawler are really being jerks here, aren’t they?

Page 9. Scott, I’m pretty sure that’s cheating.

Page 11. God damn it, Claremont. What the crap is going on now?

Page 12. Cyclops Origin Go!

Page 13. I like that Iceman’s body is melting here.

Page 16. I enjoy Mr. Anderson's designed of a Dark Phoenix wedding dress here.

Page 17. Wow. Those last two panels… Wow. This just gets more traumatic every page, doesn’t it?

Page 19. Yes, change into costume right now. It’s not like your not-girlfriend’s life is on the line or anything…

Page 21. Luckily, Cyclops’ courage has given Man-Thing strength. Or something.

Post Mortem
Sigh. Season Two ends well enough, I suppose, if a little bit anti-climatically. At least Scott is starting to deal with the loss of Jean better. That’s good, clearly. And Man-Thing is always interesting, if a little weird stuff.

And it’s a good and creepy issue, it has several high points, with zombie-resurrections and Cyclops origin, and, probably the best part, a redo of the events in Arizona where Jean takes off Cyclops visor, only with much more traumatic results.

That being said, why did D’Spayre kill Lee’s dad? And what kind of insane level of coincidence is it that Cyclops would show up to save the day? Seriously?

Well, that’s all for this book. Next time, we’ll take a look at Kitty’s training, and we’ll learn some uncomfortable things about some old friends… and enemies.

This Issue! Things Get Worse! #143

The Uncanny X-Men #143
“Demon”
Chris Claremont and John Byrne

Synopsis
On Christmas Eve the X-Men head out for a night on the town, leaving Kitty at the mansion. But something evil is lurking in the shadows…

Rolling Commentary
Oh man, not a flash back to the demon issue at the beginning of the series….

Pages 2 and 3. If you’re reading the essential volume, I think these two pages are supposed to face each other not be back to back. Dangers of reprinting and such.

Page 4. Messy death there…

Page 5. Why is Angel in uniform here?

Page 6. Wolverine’s a little tense, isn’t he?

Page 8. First Lee Forrester. If anyone cares…

Page 11. That is one big ugly gross monster thing.

Page 16. This monster demon whatever is hardcore, isn’t it?

Page 21. A “miasma of evil”? Who the hell talks like that. Even I don’t talk like that! And how is that supposed to prevent Charlie’s telepathy?

Post Mortem
Ok, I have two opinions of this issue, which are rather conflicting. First of all, it’s a good issue for Kitty, being her first solo battle ever and helping the audience learn to love her more. Plus it’s a pretty badass issue on top of that filled with lots of wanton destruction. This is good.

However.

What the hell is going on?!!?! Where did this demon thing come from? Is the cairn not as broken as we thought? Why are things getting through now all of the sudden? Why is this monster trying to eat Kitty? Does it need to feed on humans, or is it just a bastard? Are more demons going to come through? Have we ever heard a good explanation for this cairn-thing’s origin?

*Ahem*

So yes. I have a feeling that most of my questions here are going to remain unanswered. Which bothers me. But, whatever, no one will really remember this issue in a little while.

Oh, and this is Byrne’s last issue, just so you know. Now he’ll go write and draw a purportedly excellent run on Fantastic Four (I’ve read very little of it) and then begin his spiral into his current madness. Alas.

This Issue! Everybody Dies! #142

The Uncanny X-Men #142
“Mind Out of Time!”
Chris Claremont and John Byrne

Synopsis
As the current X-Men fight to stop Mystique and her Brotherhood from killing Senator Kelly, the future team fights to stop the Sentinels from causing a nuclear holocaust. But can Kate Pryde stop all of it from happening at all?

Rolling Commentary
See that cover? I told you so.

Page 2. Kelly, you’re not exactly helping here.

Page 4, Panels 2 and 3, this is exactly why you want a precog on your team if at all possible. And by panel 6, I don’t know why Storm won’t let Wolverine kill him. Bah.

Page 6. Although I like the character Destiny, she has an atrocious costume. I just wanted to state my opinion on it.

Page 7. Storm’s comments about death and killing are more than just a little bit of foreshadowing. And I’m not just talking about within this issue.

Page 9. Inconvenient, that the news never said who killed a Presidential Candidate, isn’t it?

Page 11. Stupid military bastards! Clearly, the one’s not trying to kill the Senator are the good ones!

Page 13. Anyone else sensing some tension between Wolverine and Storm?

Page 15. Scratch one team of Evil Mutants…

Page 16. Seriously! How could there ever have been doubt that Mystique is Nightcrawler’s mum after all that dialogue right there!??!
Also, did Mystique just teleport or something?

Page 17. It’s a classic page, one we’ve all seen before. It’s still a “Holy Shit!” moment, though.

Page 19. Thus the X-Men have fallen.

Page 20. Kelly’s still a dick.

Page 22. First Mr. Gyrich, and referencing Project Wideawake.

Post Mortem (literally) (Well, in an alternate future, anyway)
Man, this is a violent issue, isn’t it? What with disintegrating Wolverine’s soft tissue and impaling Storm and all. That’s not a complaint. It’s a shocking issue, meant to grab your attention, and it works. If anything, these issues make me care more about the team then anything that’s come before, including Jean’s death. To see the future that almost happened- and which still could, really- it’s shocking.

Lots of good stuff in the present here too. What’s up with Mystique? Well, she’s not Nightcrawler’s mother. Nope, couldn’t possibly be. Not a chance. What’s Project Wideawake? Well, we’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we? And we’ll be seeing a lot more of Mr. Henry Peter Gyrich in the future, that’s for sure.

This Issue! Things Get Worse! #141

The Uncanny X-Men #141
“Days Of Future Past”
Chris Claremont and John Byrne

Synopsis
While in the middle of training, Kitty Pryde suddenly claims she’s her future self from 30 years in the future. What’s going on here? And how does it connect with the New Brotherhood of Mutants?

Rolling Commentary
Page 2. Was Escape From New York out yet when they were doing this issue? (Checks) Looks like no. Still. I get that vibe from these Rogue guys. Just a weird coincidence then?

Page 5. Seeing Magneto in a wheelchair is still a great image. Interesting side note, here, and one that shows you how big a nerd I can be: Magneto calls Peter “Piotr Alexandreivitch”, which I’m assuming is a referencing his middle name. However, in current mainstream continuity his name is actually Piotr Nikoleivitch. I have no idea why the change, but I’m assuming Claremont himself made the change. And wow. I suck just for noticing the change as soon as I saw it. Also, the first appearance of Rachael… no, I’m not telling you what her last name is yet.

Page 6. Wow. Sentinels suck.

Page 8. I like that Wolverine gets pissed about his helmet being chopped in half.

Page 10. Okay I get the phasing powers, but how exactly does Kitty keep her footing over a trap door underneath her?

Page 11. Storm is… protective of Kitty. VERY protective.

Page 13. Seriously, Storm. Why would she make up stuff like this?

Page 15. Shite. Magneto dies off panel, and there goes Franklin Richards.

Page 18. First Mystique, Destiny, Avalanche, and Pyro.

Page 20. Screw being reasonable, Charles. Kelly’s a twit.

Page 21. “Lois” wouldn’t have a last name of “Lane”, would she?

Post Mortem
It’s hard to remember, in this modern age of superhero wonders, just how new and different “Days of Future Past” really was in 1980. Believe it or not, this was the first dystopian future in superhero comics. The first. Ever. Before Dark Knight, before Kingdom Come, before everything. And yes, these two issues accidentally set in motion a series of unfortunate events leading to a precedent of less cool time travel stories in X-Men, but still. Despite Cable and his ickyness, Days of Future Past stands as a monumental moment in X-Men, and general comic book history.

Perhaps more importantly, Days of Future Past was also a big turning point in terms of mutant/human relations within the book itself. With the exception of Steven Lang way back 40 issues ago, Claremont hasn’t focused much on the concepts of racism and bigotry that, to me at least, are so fundamental to doing the X-Men right. You can’t do the X-Men without dealing with them in terms of an oppressed minority group. I’m glad to see it being really brought to the forefront here, and hopefully it’ll stay for a while.

Also, a shout out to the new Brotherhood of Mutants. Especially Destiny and Mystique. Those two rock.

Next Issue! Everybody Dies!

This Issue! Things Get Worse! #140

The Uncanny X-Men #140
“Rage!”
Chris Claremont and John Byrne

Synopsis
The Wendigo is on a rampage, and only Wolverine can stop it!

Rolling Commentary
Page 2. I don’t really know why, but I like this heart to heart Angel and Colossus are doing here.

Page 3. Maybe Angel should be given the memo. He doesn’t seem to realize that Wolverine’s killed several people already while with the X-Men.

Page 4. Wait, Storm just created a rainstorm above some jerk’s head for hitting on her, and she’s telling Kitty not to “flaunt” her powers?

Pages 5 and 6. I know Nightcrawler is just doing the episode recap here, but he needs to stop making like this is all Wolverine’s fault. They wouldn’t be here at all if the Canadian government had just accepted Wolverine’s resignation in the first place.

Page 9. Yeah, about Vindicator handling this…

Page 11. More vague hints about Wolverine’s origin.

Page 13. I know Wendigo is all strong and such, but shouldn’t Wendigo, like, bleed?

Page 17. … Ok. Fine. I take it back. Snowbird can be cool. There. I said it.

Page 20. Snowbird’s got the hots for Logan….

Page 22. Blob’s out of prison, for the first time since the 60s, really.

Post Mortem
Yay for excessively violent issues! Wolverine rocks it big time in this issue (with Nightcrawler as the swingin’ sidekick). Wendigo isn’t much for plot, usually, but sometimes it’s good to just have a big scary monster to beat up on.

Good character bits from Wolverine too. The hints about his origin are good times, and hurray with interacting with Heather and Mac! It’s nice to have him around people who have a tendency to mistrust him.

Blob is free, and we’ve had our first hint about Mystique, who’s coming up next issue (sorry to spoil it, but now you know). Are we going to let Colossus visit his parents in Russia anytime soon? I’m starting to feel really bad for him with regards to that.

Next up: You thought Dark Phoenix was bad? Bah! Now things get really horrible.

This Issue! Things Get Worse! #139

The Uncanny X-Men #139
“…Something Wicked This Way Comes!”
Chris Claremont and John Byrne

Synopsis
The X-Men begin to cope with the loss of Scott and Jean from the team, and Wolverine decides it’s time to settle things with Alpha Flight and Department H. But what will he and Nightcrawler find up in Canada?

Rolling Commentary
Pages 2 and 3. First appearance of Wolverine’s brown costume. Although I’m not always a fan of Wolverine in a costume at all, if he has to wear a costume, it should always be this one.

Page 6. Wolverine is still the only X-Man to refer to Professor Xavier as Charlie and Chuck, as far as I know. And that’s quite alright with me.

Page 8. I always feel weird calling Kitty “Sprite”, or “Ariel” for that matter. I’ve always thought of her as Shadowcat. This isn’t a critique or anything, just me expressing what’s on my mind. Also, I love Wolverine’s response to Nightcrawler’s question. And Nightcrawler, didn’t you just get some from your adopted sister or something?

Page 11. First Heather Hudson!

Page 12. I love that last panel here.

Page 15. So Snowbird isn’t as lame as I thought she was. Still, is a bear really keeping a low profile? I know we’re in Canada but she couldn’t have gone with a squirrel or something?

Page 16. This scene is pretty humorous, really.

Page 18. All this stuff is from Hulk #180-181,Wolverine’s first appearance. I like to think Wolverine lost this battle because he was wearing a very ugly mask that tainted his awesomeness.

Post Mortem
This is a slow burner of an issue, clearly, with a lot of set up. Phoenix is gone for good, and Cyclops won’t be back for a while. Plus Angel and Kitty are on the team now, which continues to change the dynamic. Storm's in charge, with Wolverine effectively as second in command.

All that, and Wolverine decides to leave and go to Canada. Interestingly, Claremont does the exact same thing he did after the last Phoenix storyline (not counting the annual, Jean’s funeral was only last issue), jumping over from the cosmic level Phoenix stuff to dealing with Wolverine’s background in Canada. I don’t know if this is just coincidence or what, but it’s interesting.

Up next, Wolverine’s rematch with a Wendigo! Awesome.

This Issue! Things Get Worse! Dante's Bastard Lovechild Edition!

King-Size Annual! X-Men #4
“Nightcrawler’s Inferno”
Chris Claremont and John Romita Jr.

Synopsis
It’s Nightcrawler’s birthday! Nothing could possibly go wrong, right? I mean, it’s not like the X-Men are going to get sucked into Hell or something with a title like that.

Rolling Commentary
Look kids! Romita Jr. artwork before it became all crazy-stylized! Awesome!

Page 2. I love that only Wolverine won’t sing. Oh, and Nightcrawler is 21, I guess. And was Nightcrawler’s present from Wolverine an autographed photo of himself? That's hilarious.

Page 4. Man, that’s tough. They just lost Jean too, and Cyclops left. This team is dropping like flies.

Page 5. Doctor Strange to the rescue!

Page 6. I’d like to point out that with that last panel here, I can either choose to believe Claremont or I can believe Chuck Austin’s incredibly stupid story of Nightcrawler’s origin. Guess which one I’m going to go with? (Hint: It won’t be Austin)

Page 7. Every time I read Dr. Strange’s speech bubbles, I can’t help but hear Dr. Orpheus’ voice speaking the lines…

Page 9. Gross tentacle monster! And now it’s got Storm too. I just hope there aren't cameras.

Page 11. Oh good. We’re in Hell. Lovely.

Page 12. Where do they keep getting their costumes from?!?

Page 15. Hey, does Minos kind of look like the Joker to anybody else? Just with better hair? It must be the grin. Also, I can’t tell if the last couple of panels are really heterocentric, or if I’m being paranoid.

Page 18. Man, Storm isn’t doing so well here, is she?

Page 20. Holy shit Wolverine is cool.

Page 24. Colossus is rocking it pretty hardcore here too.

Page 25. Colossus just had the best line ever in panel 1. Although honestly, the big rock circle thing they’re seeing doesn’t look so bad.

Page 30. … Whozawuzawhatnow?

Page 32. Random Nightcrawler origin craziness!?!?

Page 34. Wait a tic, Nightcrawler’s girlfriend is his adopted-sister in disguise? Yes Kurt, I’d agree that this is “too fantastic to be true”. Also, it’s really kind of creepy. But at least that explains why Kurt’s appearance was a turn on for her.

Page 35. Wolverine continues to be supportive of Kitty. Yay!

Post Mortem
Well… that was peculiar, wasn’t it? Nightcrawler’s origin is rather contrived, too. I’m not entirely sure what my reaction to this issue is supposed to be, honestly. It seems Claremont likes to have these big, epic fantasy stories that don’t make an overly large amount of sense in his annuals. Space Conan, Mock Hell, where do these fit with the regular stories?

It’s good that he has Dr. Strange in this issue, it makes it less jarring. Crazy weird shit like this happens all the time to Dr. Strange. The X-Men? Not so much. And Nightcrawler’s crazy gypsy family is a little messed up too. And by “little”, I actually mean “totally and completely”.

Was Claremont just in the middle of the Inferno when he realized he had to write an annual or something? It just comes out of nowhere, is all. It’s a rather peculiar story, and it doesn’t really fit in with what comes before. Hmm.

This Issue! Things Get Worse! #138

X-Men, All New! #138
“Elegy”
Chris Claremont and John Byrne

Synopsis
Jean Grey’s funeral prompts Scott to remember the past as he tries to reconcile with all that’s happened.

Rolling Commentary
Apparently Jean was 24 when she died. For those keeping track, Kitty Pryde is almost 14 now, so you can keep track of how much time has pasted from then to now and how old everyone is. Or something.

Page 2. This is all a recap of X-Men #1, if you missed that. And I guess Charlie always had a knack for sending in students against bad guys before they were trained.

Page 3. Bah. I’m not going to cover every single issue they’re recapping here. (Although Vanisher is issue #2, Blob #3, and the Brotherhood issue #4) Just trust me, its all old issues.

Page 5. Crazy alien abductions? Sacrifices to Tyrannosaurs? Man, I have got to read this stuff!

Page 7. I, for one, always kind of liked their original uniforms. But it’s probably just me.

Page 9. The Living Monolith was such a weird villain…

Page 11. Well, Cyclops, you thought the Professor was cruel because he was. He’s a dick.

Page 15. Here’s the real conformation that Jason Wyngarde is Mastermind’s real name and not just an alias.

Page 18. Exeunt Cyclops and Phoenix, enter Kitty Pryde.

Post (post) Mortem
It’s a sad little issue that brings a glimmer of hope to the X-Men at the end.

There’s not much to say about this issue, really. The entire issue is nothing but a recap of everything the X-Men have done up to now, which, though it wouldn’t have been the route I took with this story, I can understand why Claremont and Byrne decided to do it here. There’s not much more to say.

Jean Grey is dead. The X-Men will live on.

This Issue! Things Get Worse! #137: Double The Size For Double The Tragedy!

Special Double-Size Issue! X-Men #137
“The Fate Of The Phoenix!”
Chris Claremont and John Byrne

Synopsis
The X-Men are brought before the Shi’ar Imperial council and given an ultimatum: Give up Jean Grey or die trying to save her.

Rolling Commentary
Thank god we have Uatu to fill us in on everything that’s happened in the last 37 issues. Has it really been that long? Man, it seems a lot shorter. Then again, I started with Giant Size #1 less than 3 weeks ago.

Page 4. Yeah, you tell them, Cyclops. These Shi’ar don’t know how to repay a favor at all!

Page 6. The Supreme Intelligence is one of my favorite characters. But he always works solely for his own benefit. So if he says “Go ahead and duel” that means he already knows his side will win.

Page 7. Yeah, Beast, you don’t really know these guys at all, so…

Page 9. Yay for Wolverine meditating and such! And, um, is Beast about to get some or something?

Page 13. The Blue Area of the Moon has the best ruins…

Page 14. Wow. That was really dumb, Warren. You really are out of practice, aren’t you?

Page 18. Wolverine just fell into the Watcher’s Citadel, in case you wanted to know.

Page 20. Something I’ve been wondering about here. Nightcrawler keeps talking about being afraid to teleport into a wall or something. The basic theory behind that is that if he teleports into the same space as another object he’d fuse with them or something. But every time he teleports he’s jumping into the same space as air molecules and whatever floating organisms and bacterium are present there. So how does that work, huh?

Page 21. Man, Uatu is a bigger jerk than Cyclops and Professor Xavier combined!

Page 25. You know, Gladiator is debatably at Superman (post-crisis) levels of power. Colossus is strong, sure, but he’ not the Hulk. I don’t think this is going to go well.

Page 28, Panel 3. Yeah, Cyclops, it’s not always about you.

Page 29. Oh, good job, Lilandra, now you’ve gone and done it.

Page 32. This is probably a good call on Wolverine’s part. But wait, didn’t Colossus kill Proteus?

Page 34. And thus does Jean become one of the first suicides in comics.

Post Mortem (literally) (no, really this time!)
It’s no secret that Jean’s death was not originally planned for in this issue. In fact, in the back of my Essential volume here there’s the would-have-been opening splash page for he next issue, had Jean lived. But when the editorial hammer came down, the story was changed, and Jean Grey was dead. Really. She wasn’t supposed to come back, I swear.

Clearly this is a very emotional issue, despite being rather action packed. Jean’s interactions with the people closest to her (Cyclops, Storm) and Wolverine’s realization that he didn’t have it in him to kill her… it’s all good stuff.

Also, it’s great that Jean was planning on her suicide from the beginning. She realized from the start that she was a risk to everyone and everything, as long as she lived. And she chose from the beginning to make sure that she wouldn’t hurt them again ever. It’s good stuff.

This Issue! Things Get Worse! #136

The Uncanny X-Men #136
“Child Of Light And Darkness!”
Chris Claremont and John Byrne

Synopsis
The Phoenix is returning to Earth. Will the X-Men be able to stop her from destroying it?

Rolling Commentary
Hey, on that cover, is the “X-Men” sign still cracked from the last cover? And that’s a great splash page, by the way.

Page 3. Hey look kids, it’s Jimmy Carter! That being said, Carter’s accent was never that strong. Seriously.

Page 5. Hey, why was Storm in the lab, anyway?

Page 6. Okay, for some reason I really like what Jean says here. It’s equal mix funny/creepy.

Page 7. Wait, so Jean’s older sister still lives with her parents? With two kids of her own? Oy.

Page 8. Jeanie’s father is kind of short tempered, isn’t he?

Page 11. Once again Wolverine proves he’s really the only X-Men who’s willing to do what it takes- until the last minute, of course.

Page 12. I really love how horribly evil Phoenix has become.

Page 14. Look! Professor Xavier attacked Jean while Scott was talking her out of destroying the universe. Now she’s all crazy powerful again. See? Professor Xavier is a dick.

Page 15. This is a great battle page, really.

Page 17. I’m glad I’m not Angel. He has to always carry jerks like Professor Xavier from Arizona to New York and crap like that. That has to suck.

Post Mortem
Jean seems to be one of the few X-Men whose family history we know right now, and I’m rather glad that through all the hoopla of Jean going all cosmic that Claremont thought to bring her family in. A lot of similarly latently empowered characters (*cough* Rick Jones! *cough*) never have people in their non-superhero lives get involved with these little things.

Seriously, did Angel and Charlie take a jet to Jean’s house or something? I don’t care how strong he is, that’s a hell of a trip to be both flying there and carrying someone. But I digress. Hey, we’ve almost got an original X-Men reunion thing going here, don’t we? Where’s Bobby, so that he can get in on this action too?

Good issue. Actually, both of the last two issues have been excellent, I don’t think I said that last time. Claremont is at his best when his characters are in really horrible situations, their emotions are high, and they’re really honestly afraid that they could all die here and now. What with Proteus right before and now Dark Phoenix, it’s not really surprising to hear people raving about the Claremont and Byrne era. It actually makes their more recent works seem all the more… sad, I suppose, when you compare to how it began for these two. But I digress.

This Issue! Things Get Worse! #135

The Uncanny X-Men #135
“Dark Phoenix”
Chris Claremont and John Byrne

Synopsis
The Dark Phoenix has been unleashed upon the universe. What chaos will see cause?

Rolling Commentary
Can I just say right now that I have never particularly liked this issue’s cover? You see it whenever anyone mentions the Dark Phoenix saga, and to me, it’s just plain ugly. I know it’s supposed to make a statement or whatever, but it just comes off as weird and unattractive to me. See, if it were a picture of Jean in the center, and a Phoenix raptor all around her with the X-Men dead at her feet or something- that would be cool. This? Blah. But that’s just my opinion.

That being said, I always did like the opening splash page of this issue for it’s creative placement of title.

Page 2. Nightcrawler raises an excellent point. The X-Men really need to stop having their vehicles destroyed.

Page 4. Methinks Colossus should have thought this plan out better. And Phoenix is rocking it here. Too bad that means she’s kicking their asses.

Page 6. First Senator Kelly appearance. We’ll hear a lot more from him soon.

Page 7. So, did Jean just burn Central Park to the ground with that stunt?

Page 8. Hey, you guys remember back during the first Phoenix Saga how I said you can always tell shit is getting bad because they cut to the other superheroes for a page of reaction shots? Case in point.

Page 9. Apparently it was a very small part of the ground that she lit on fire.

Page 11. Hey, there’s someone we haven’t seen in a while.

Page 12. And here we see the tragic destruction of the Broccoli people.

Page 15. Is attacking a being that just destroyed a star system very smart? I’m thinking no.

Page 17. Dudes, Cyclops is sitting right freaking there. Stop talking like he’s not in the room!

Post Mortem
You know, this is all Mastermind’s fault, right? And Emma’s too, I suppose. But mostly Mastermind’s. An entire solar system was just snuffed out and it’s all his fault.

It’s interesting that the Shi’ar suspected this would happen from the very beginning, yet Lilandra never told Charles about it. How do I know this? Well, earlier, Charles’ thought bubbles were talking about how no one had told him anything about the Phoenix stuff, so he went and investigated it on his own. When he learned what she did, he said he needed to return to Earth immediately. Now, I suppose that on his way there Lilandra could have filled in the details a bit, but I get the impression that that’s not the case here. So much for Lilandra’s unconditional love, I guess.

Phoenix is rather awesome, isn’t she? Even if her power is sort of nondescriptly labeled. “Cosmic” can mean a lot of things. Things continue to spiral out of control in the next exciting issue.

This Issue! Things Get Worse! #134

The Uncanny X-Men #134
“Too Late, The Heroes!”
Chris Claremont and John Byrne

Synopsis
The X-Men make a break for it, but can they defeat Sebastian Shaw and his goons? And whose side is Jean really on?

Rolling Commentary
Oh look, it’s Cyclops. And he’s not dead. There’s a shocker. Meh. Nightcrawler over-reacted, I suppose.

Page 3. Drowned!?! Bah! You can’t stop the Wolverine that easilly, boys and girls!

Page 5. Hey, didn’t Wolverine use that line a couple months back? Well, as long as he trashes that guy, it’s okay with me.

Page 6. Okay, clearly, I’m a cynic, which is why I can thoroughly enjoy these comics while also making all these snide remarks. But seriously, Panel 4. How the hell does Cyclops have time enough to say all that in the middle of a fight?

Page 8. Yay for crazy referencing. Now I need to go find a copy of that book.

Page 9. Don’t mess with Colossus, people.

Page 12. Cyclops, Wolverine crept up on you like that because he’s a crazy ninja. It’s what ninjas do. Don’t be sad just because you’re not as cool or popular as he is.

Page 13. Oh, so that’s how he did it! Huh. Do we still have these in comics nowadays? I could see where they might come in handy.

Page 14. Hmm. Well, that’s Mastermind taken care of. Now things are going to get even worse, aren’t they?

Page 17. And… shit goes down. Crap.

Post Mortem
So obviously Jean’s gone all Dark Phoenix on us now, fair enough. I think I’ll deal with that next issue, when she actually starts doing stuff.

Despite being a total douche bag, I applaud Mastermind’s creative use of his powers. Disappearing in with the scenery, causing a crowd of people to see Cyclops attacking them, this is some good stuff.

So that mind control whatever that Emma created, are there more? Is Emma still such a brilliant and innovative engineer? Because I don’t think any of this has been referenced recently. Of course, back in Annual #3 Wolverine modified a superscience gizmo built by Tony freaking Stark, so I guess anything’s possible.

Wolverine’s still rockin’ it this issue, and we get the return of Beast as well, who apparently wasn’t very angry about getting abandoned at the Xavier Institute after just learning that Scott and co weren’t dead after all. I thought I’d remind everyone of just what happened last we saw him.

This Issue! Things Get Worse! #133 (Wolverine Pop-Culture Break-Out Star Edition)

The Uncanny X-Men #133
“Wolverine: Alone!”
Chris Claremont and John Byrne

Synopsis
Wolverine stands alone against the entire Hellfire Club. Can he somehow rescue the rest of the X-Men from them?

Rolling Commentary
Page 2. Yay for Wolverine killing sprees!

Page 4. Hey, wait a second; isn’t Wolverine’s skeleton made of adamantium too? (Yes) Does he just not know that yet? (i.e. has Claremont not decided that yet?)

Page 7. Ororo’s name means “beauty”? I totally didn’t know that.

Page 8. Yay for Scott and Jean’s rapport. I always liked that part of their relationship.

Page 9. Random cut to Scotland!

Page 11. Is this the first reference of Senator Robert Kelly? Why, I do believe it is.

Page 14. Where did Mastermind and Cyclops learn to sword fight like this?

Post Mortem
Bah, don’t believe it for a second. Cyclops starts to stand up on the opening splash page of the next issue. That being said, being forced out of someone’s mindspace can’t be particularly comfortable. And yeah, how is it Mastermind is pulling off all this nonsense anyway?

It’s been said that, historically speaking, this is one of the most important issues of the X-Men for Wolverine. It’s really the first time he’s all alone in the series. This is generally considered the turning point for the character, where he really solidified his place as the series’ breakout star. Obviously, he remains the X-Men’s most popular character to this day.

Although the 18th century stuff still weirds me out a little bit, it was kind of cool to see a classic duel for Jean’s life between Cyclops and Mastermind. I also was darkly amused to see Jean turn blatantly racist against Ororo when made evil. Just goes to show how much of a bastard Mastermind really is.

This Issue! Things get Worse! #132

The Uncanny X-Men #132
“And Hellfire Is Their Name!”
Chris Claremont and John Byrne

Synopsis
The X-Men mount an operation on the Hellfire Club’s Clubhouse to figure out what their involvement with Emma Frost is. A bunch of snotty rich dudes can’t be too hard in a fight, right?

Rolling Commentary
Page 2. Yes, that’s a “friendship” kiss. Of course. Despite the fact that back in the day Warren was Scott’s chief rival for Jean’s affections. Nice headband, by the way.

Page 5. Touching moment. Now they’ll get sexy off panel.

Page 6. Told you.

Page 7. Colossus is such a good kid.

Page 10. And the truth finally comes out. Although if you were paying attention you could have recognized him from his appearance way back to Jean meeting him in Scotland. Now it’s time for fun with corsets!

Page 13. Yay for vague hints about Wolverine’s origin!

Page 15. Sebastian Shaw is pretty hardcore, isn’t he?

Page 17. Wolverine rules.

Post Mortem
Sebastian Shaw is quite good here, isn’t he? The whole group of the Hellfire club is rather powerful, really. Oh, and just so you know, Emma Frost’s “suicide” isn’t all that permanent.

Seeing Angel again is something I enjoyed. You have to remember that clones and mental projections aside, we haven’t seen Warren or Bobby Drake at all since issue 94. The characterization between Scott and Warren is excellent; you really get a sense that they’re very old friends. Scott has a relationship with Warren that’s completely different from the rest of the team. Even though he’s known Jean almost as long as Warren, she’s always been the love interest first and friend second. And obviously Charles Xavier is not his friend so much as a father figure. I think Scott has a closer relationship to Warren than even to his own brother.

Now that the power corruption of Jean has really taken control, the series is going to get really interesting. Yay! Time for Wolverine to kick some ass.

This Issue! Things Get Worse! #131

The Uncanny X-Men #131
“Run For Your Life!”
Chris Claremont and John Byrne

Synopsis
Cyclops and Phoenix make their way to the White Queen’s base of operations to rescue the rest of the team. Will Dazzler and Kitty prove their worth to the team?

Rolling Commentary
I like that the opening splash page is a Floating Head Cover, in the Justice League of America style. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, don’t feel bad, it just means you’re less of a nerd than I am.

Page 2. Jean Grey smash!

Page 5. Good thing Jean doesn’t have ethical issues with doing something like this like other red-haired telepaths in comic books. I’m looking right at you, Ragged Robin.

Page 6. How do the Hellfire Club pawns know who’s who when they can’t see each other’s faces?

Page 8. Wolverine and Kitty interact for really the first time. Their relationship will develop as the series goes on.

Page 12. I love the dialogue in panel 2. “Wolverine… dealt with them.” “Oh.” Great stuff.

Page 13. Phoenix versus Emma. This fight will never have repercussions. Nope. Not at all. *ahem*

Page 15. Now seriously, Professor, why would anybody possibly not want to have supervillains trying to kill them at least once a day while being attacked as monsters and freaks by racist bigots?

Post Mortem
Yay for more hints of what is to come with Jean! Yay for Wolverine coming to Kitty’s rescue! Huzzah for Dazzler’s brief appearance, et cetera.

Phoenix and Emma Frost have a certain animosity between them to this day, caused by this fight here. Lots of good stuff in this issue, especially with regards to Jean being more compromising with regards to ethics. Cyclops and Storm’s worry about Jean losing control is foreshadowing, of course, but it’s nice of them to worry about her.

This Issue! Things Get Worse! #130

The Uncanny X-Men #130
“Dazzler”
Chris Claremont and John Byrne

Synopsis
Even as the Chicago team is taken captive, Cyclops, Phoenix, and Nightcrawler look for the new mutant in New York. But it seems they’re not the only ones, when the Hellfire Club shows up.

Rolling Commentary
You’ll never guess who’s going to be introduced in this issue…

Page 3. I kind of like this club. It’s got a sort of punk-disco vibe that you don’t see many places trying.

Page 5. I know it’s not the first time we see Sebastian Shaw, but it is the first time we really get a good look at him.

Page 6. Apparently we captured Charles off panel.

Page 8. How exactly do Emma’s eyelashes overpower her hair?

Page 10. If these are really based on Jean’s fantasies then she’s as sexually repressed as Scott is.

Page 11. Luckily, Cyclops is good about keeping his head in the middle of a mission.

Page 12. Why would Professor Xavier be angry that Nightcrawler was no longer using he Image Inducer? Why discourage Nightcrawler embracing and accepting who he is? What happened to Mutant Pride? See? Professor Xavier is such a total jerk.

Page 16. Jean is so hardcore when she does shit like this.

Post Mortem
Man, I can’t believe Jean hasn’t figured out who Jason Wyngarde is yet. And he just happens to a appear in the same nightclub Scott and Jean are investigating? And She doesn’t think something might be up with that? Last time she saw him was in Scotland, and she just bumps into him in New York? She needs to start thinking smarter, clearly.

Dazzler never once thought that something might be up with her crazy powers? Never? Man, not that clever. No wonder she ends up with that three-fingered wannabe Domino (actually, to be fair, the character I’m referring to premiered five or six years before Domino. I just like Domino way better.).

Yay for Kitty raising hell in Emma Frost’s base! That will be referenced through to the present day, by the by.

This Issue! Things Ger Worse! #129 (Hellfire and Brimstone Edition)

The Uncanny X-Men #129
“God Spare The Child…”
Chris Claremont and John Byrne

Synopsis
After returning to New York to find Professor Xavier back in the mansion, the X-Men head off to locate some new mutants. But has the Hellfire Club beaten them to the punch?

Rolling Commentary
Page 2. Banshee’s kind of grown on me, but he’s right, of course. He’s much more help to Moira than to the X-Men right now.

Page 4. Okay, I know these little fantasies are part of Wyngarde’s conquest of Jean’s mind. But I’ve been wondering why these hallucinations are set in a colonial time period in the first place. Does Wyngarde just really dig the 1700’s or something? I ask this as a serious question, really.

Page 5. It’s a touching moment, sure, but does Scott seem like a very indecisive person to anyone else? And I was starting to like Colleen, too.

Page 6. Wow. And I thought Havok and Moira’s reaction to learning everyone’s still alive was subdued.

Page 8. Man, Professor Xavier is such a jerk. Why does every one love him so much?

Page 9. First Emma Frost! All right!

Page 10. First Kitty Pryde! Whoo!

Page 12. Did, uh, did Kitty actually start a conversation with Storm like that? Really? Wow. Words fail me.

Page 14. You ever notice that Colossus’ clothes get destroyed all the time, except his underpants? What are they made of, anyway?

Page 15. These guys really need to stop wearing their costumes under every single thing they wear. Also, yay for Wolverine!

Post Mortem
Okay kiddos, we’re in familiar territory now. Starting from here to issue 137 (i.e. The Dark Phoenix Saga) are books I’ve read before (Also Days of Future Past, but that’s a ways off still). It’s considered almost unanimously as the greatest X-Men story ever told. I’ll save judgment on that.

A good start of a story, especially the interaction between Xavier and Wolverine and Cyclops. And the introduction of two fan favorite characters, Emma Frost and Shadowcat.

Here’s a comment, though. Could we loose the overblown titles yet? This issue in particular is horribly overblown. Kate’s not even in any real danger. The X-Men do all the fighting, she just falls through a wall and everything’s taken care of. Alas.

This Issue! Things Get Worse! #128

The Uncanny X-Men #128
“The Action Of The Tiger!”
Chris Claremont and John Byrne

Synopsis
The final battle with Proteus. Can the X-Men survive?

Rolling Commentary
Hey, do you think Beast is still hanging around the Mansion after Cyclops and the team just dropped everything and abandoned him?

Page 3. I just thought of something. Proteus’s reality warping powers can turn buildings in bees. So, what’ to stop him from making a new host body to inhabit? Just a thought.

Page 6. Cyclops always has the best plans…(sarcasm)

Page 11. Shit, when Phoenix goes down, you know you’ve got problems. Luckily, Wolverine cuts out a piece of him.

Page 13. People seem to spend a lot of time falling down in this issue…

Page 16. Yay for Colossus!

Post Mortem
Proteus is such a cool villain. He’s scary and crazy powerful. He also has a weakness that’s easily exploited. I mean, we’re talking Golden Age Green Lantern easily exploited. Just throw something metal at him, and he’s toast. So Colossus and Wolverine causing the most damage to him makes plenty of sense. But I’m left wondering something important.

Why the hell does Polaris do nothing beside catch people?

I mean, she’s the mistress of magnetism. If Magneto were here, he’d have just encased Proteus in car parts and that would have been that. But Polaris is left to play goalie, basically. She should really be doing something more awesome.

Alas. It’s a good issue nonetheless, filled with lots of good action and pacing. Plus, Colossus is rocking it. Good times. But guess what starts next issue?

This Issue! Things Get Worse! #127

The Uncanny X-Men #127
“The Quality of Hatred!”
Chris Claremont and John Byrne

Synopsis
Proteus escapes into Scotland, but not before traumatizing half the team. Can the X-Men pull themselves together enough to track him down?

Post Mortem
Page 3. Damnit, Cyclops, there’s a time and place for moral codes and this isn’t it!

Page 4. I approve of Moira taking Scott down like that. Some one should have done that to Scott, like, 30 issues ago.

Page 5. I don’t know why, but I love that after a fight that nearly killed Wolverine, Nightcrawler, and Storm, Banshee is making cocoa to make them feel better.

Page 9. As much as it’s good to see Cyclops and Wolverine acting like adults with each other, I can’t help but feel that everyone calmed down incredibly quickly.

Page 12. Joseph MacTaggert is all kinds of a bastard, isn’t he?

Page 16. Seriously, they need to stop just dropping Colossus wherever they feel like. Eventually he’s going to land on someone and that would be bad.

Post Mortem
I love how at the beginning of the issue Cyclops stops Moira from killing Proteus, and by the end of it he doesn’t care who has to die to stop him. Alas. Anyway, Proteus is properly scary, and you don’t feel sorry at all for Joe MacTaggert. This is probably a good thing for him, as he’s a minor character, but possibly a bad thing for Proteus. As I’ve said before, one of the problems with these books is that there’s very little motivation with the villains. They briefly explain that Proteus saw how Joe had hurt his mother, so he’s off to kill him. But why does he only refer to her as “Moira”? Alas.

Problems aside, it’s still a rather dark and horrible story, which is good. I’m highly excited about the final issue of this story, so instead of wasting more time, I’ll get on with it.

This Issue! Things Get Worse! #126

The Uncanny X-Men #126
“How Sharper Than A Serpent’s Tooth…!”
Chris Claremont and John Byrne

Synopsis
The X-Men rush to Muir Island to come to the rescue. But who, or what, is Mutant X?

Rolling Commentary
Page 2. Good thing no one was standing anywhere near where Colossus landed, isn’t it?

Page 6. Gosh, everyone in Scotland seems to be taking the X-Men’s non-deaths rather well. Like, “I never really believed they were dead anyway” kind of well.

Page 8. Big reveal about the bad guy! Yay!

Page 12. I’m feeling shades of The Invisibles when I read this scene. I wonder, I know Grant Morrison is a fan of this era. Perhaps he was inspired subconsciously by it?

Page 13: This is very bad.

Page 14. Oh good, no jumping into Wolverine’s body. That could have been bad. Also, I think this is the first time they state openly that Wolverine’s entire skeleton is adamantium.

Post Mortem
You know how when things start getting good, you don’t really think about talking about them? Yeah. That was this episode.

Proteus gets to go crazy with his reality warping powers! Yay! Also, it’s a bloody good thing he can’t absorb metallic structures, or else the X-Men would be screwed. Wolverine’s body AND reality warping abilities? Yeah, that could have been bad.

The X-Men’s reunion was a little jarring, seeing as how Alex and company thought they were all dead. I’m willing to chalk that up to being in a desperate moment when things are going horribly wrong. Good stuff all around, and the Proteus Saga is officially on!

This Issue! Things Get Worse! #125

The Uncanny X-Men #125
“There’s Something Awful on Muir Island!”
Chris Claremont and John Byrne

Synopsis
Something is loose on Muir Island, but what? And just how powerful has Jean Grey really become?

Rolling Commentary
Page 6. Scott’s just angry because last time they broke the Danger Room rather severely. Also, Scott should really stop comparing them to the original team. Hell, at least two of the original team members are unstable enough that they eventually go evil and start destroying things.

Page 7. I’m not sure, but this may be the only appearance of Magneto in this entire collection.

Page 8. You know what would have made this page have way more meaning? If we had actually seen Jean on her vacation interacting with these identities of Wyngarde. Then it would have been all “Holy Shit!” As it stands, it’s just an “Oh. Okay then.” moment.

Page 12. All right, the Proteus Saga is all set to begin…

Page 13. And, incidentally, Wyngarde’s control over Jean begins as well.

Page 15. Yay for Scott and Hank’s reunion! Now, if only the rest of the team knew they were back.

Post Mortem
Yay! It’s been, like a year in real time, but the X-Men finally know that the other X-Men aren’t dead! That’s good. Also, I’m glad we’re starting to get rumblings of what’s going to happen after we get off Muir Island (as if the next three issues aren’t going to be traumatic enough).

This issue is mostly just set up, of course, but it’s enjoyable. My only complaint is the whole Jean/Jason flashback bit. I really would have liked to have that stuff, say, 10 issues ago. Then when Jason reveals to the readers what’s going on there would be a sort of “No way, I never even considered-” feeling with all the readers.

Otherwise, though, good stuff. On with the carnage!

This Issue! Things Get Worse! Conan the Episcopalian Edition

King-Size Annual! X-Men #3
“A Fire In The Sky!”
Chris Claremont and George Pérez

Synopsis
The X-Men come face to face with Arkon the Magnificent- but what does he want with Storm?

Rolling Commentary
Page 2. … Why do I have the distinctive feeling I am not going to enjoy this issue?

Page 3. Okay, I enjoy Arkon’s dialogue well enough, but I have yet to be convinced that he should fight the X-Men.

Pages 5 and 6. I think its only fair that, since I was complaining about Arcade’s outrageous weapons and such last issue, I point out that the Xavier Institute seems to waste a lot of money on practice robots for the danger room.

Page 8. I’m starting to think that the Danger Room needs more safety protocols.

Page 11’s bottom panel is a prime example why I think Colossus and Nightcrawler should always be on the same team.

Page 19. Colossus certainly knows how to hit things, doesn’t he? That being said, I bet Xavier’s groundskeeper gets really pissed about these ruckuses destroying the lawn so thoroughly. And I know I’m hardly the first person to say this, but George Pérez really does make everything prettier.

Page 21. Shit! We’ve teleported to Conan’s Universe!

Pages 22 and 23. I love that Wolverine just backhands Arkon here.

Page 28. Although Colossus riding a dragon is pretty cool imagery, I still think this adventure is better suited for… umm… maybe the Avengers? Mostly just Conan, though.

Page 31. Thank god Wolverine is here to fix Tony Stark’s insanely complicated electronic equipment.

Page 33. I have no idea how Wolverine managed to convert that thing from lightning powered to concussion-force powered, but hey, they saved a planet, right?

Post Mortem
Arkon the Magnificent. Wow. Just… wow. Okay, I’ll be honest; this issue is not bad at all. In fact, it was actually pretty fun. I really enjoyed it, and I felt guilty about it the entire time.

Because this is sooooo not an X-Men thing. Space barbarians with magical lightning bolt things? No. Even if I’m willing to suspend my disbelief about a race of planet hopping space barbarians dressed like Kull the Conqueror rejects (civilizations as violent as this one claims to be never get advanced enough to pull off half of this shit), it’s still not an X-Men story. And how the hell is a planet supposed to maintain its atmosphere without a sun? What is it orbiting? How does gravity work here without a star’s gravitational pull? It just doesn’t make sense!

Now, I know what you’re saying. “Justin! You’re thinking about this too much, it’s just a comic book!” Well, I say thee nay. When a writer (and in this case I only blame Claremont for bringing us back to this place, whoever wrote Avengers 74 and 75 is really to blame here) fundamentally destroys the basic laws of physics without even attempting a half-assed explanation (let alone not understanding social dynamics and socio-political impact on technological advancement), I think I am within reason to get annoyed.

The only way to make this story pseudo-plausible is to say that Arkon and his world exist in a parallel universe with completely different laws of physics, and that Arkon’s lightning bolts open a small dimensional rift that allows transport from one reality to another.

You see what just did there? In one sentence- just one! - I filled a glaring plot hole. Okay, admittingly it’s a long sentence, but still, was that hard? No. Just throw that explanation into a bit of dialogue where the team is all “Where the fuck are we?” and things make more sense. *Sigh*

But this is still not really X-Men territory. Anyway! I really did like this issue, it was fun. Stupid fun though. Don’t think about it too hard, or else you might start trying to fix the narrative like I just did.

This Issue! Things Get Worse! #124

The Uncanny X-Men #124
“He Only Laughs When I Hurt!”
Chris Claremont and John Byrne

Synopsis
As the X-Men continue to try to survive Murderworld, they’re forced to endure a new threat- a brainwashed Colossus.

Rolling Commentary
Page 2. Is Colleen actually saying she’s in love with Scott Summers?

Page 3. Okay, so Arcade has access to all his father’s money, that sort of answers one of my complaints. But how about this one, where the hell is this place? He can’t exactly have a parking lot and charge admission. Is this facility underground? More importantly, if his father was super rich, that means he’s a public figure, which means his death would have been investigated like crazy. Is Arcade wanted by the feds? *Sigh* So many questions…

Page 7. Luckily, that door Cyclops flew through led to a tunnel that led to Nightcrawler. Convenient, no?

Page 10. Actually, Scottie, that was pretty awesome.

Page 14. Who wants to bet Colossus just broke Banshee’s jaw. And see, I’m not completely convinced Charlie didn’t use his powers to help convince Colossus and the others to join. But that’s just me.

Page 17. Arcade is such a douche.

Post Mortem
A weird story? Yes. A fucked up villain that makes no real rational sense when you actually think about it? Absolutely. Overt anti-communist sentiment that really has nothing to do with the larger story? Yeah. But I still kind of think the Proletarian is cool.

Hey, at least the action scenes in this issue make more sense than last time (Instant androids? What the Christ?). Arcade is such a weird villain, I’m just glad we won’t have to see him for a while. The issue itself is rather transparent, though, isn’t it? Nothing actually happens except that Colossus gets over his doubts about being on the X-Men… which I thought he got over two issues ago when Wolverine was in the danger room trash compactor with him, but whatever. The rest of the issue is just Arcade going crazy and the X-Men surviving rather peculiar death traps. Is it Proteus Saga time yet?

Not quite.

This Issue! Things Get Worse! #123

The Uncanny X-Men #123
“Listen—Stop Me If You’ve Heard It-- But This One Will Kill You!”
Chris Claremont and John Byrne

Synopsis
The crazed assassin Arcade captures each of the X-Men and forces them to endure the tortures of Murderworld, his self-designed death-trap/carnival chamber.

Rolling Commentary
Wow, that’s a horrifically bad title. But whatever.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled issue of X-Men, to bring you The Amazing Spider-Man!

Page 2. Man, I clearly don’t know my 70’s Marvel history all that well. Until those issues of X-Men in Japan, I’d never even heard of Colleen Wing, but apparently she sort of knows Spider-Man.

Page 4. I guess Betsy and Amanda are comfortable enough with how Nightcrawler actually looks to be seen in public with him.

Page 6. Wow, Banshee, way to be a stereotype…"Finnegan’s Wake"?

Page 7. Damnit, Arcade, what kind of shitty assassin are you?!? You sneak up and shoot two separate X-Men…with a fucking tranquilizer dart?!?!? You’re an assassin! You kill people! See, now they’re going to escape and beat you over the head with a chair, because that’s what ALWAYS happens when you capture the good guys instead of killing them! Kill them now, you moron! Kill them while you have the chance!
Idiot.

Page 9. Hey, here’s a thought, how much does all this shit cost Arcade? Life sized pinballs rigged with electric shocks? A sophisticated control room? Lackeys? Since he has a spectacularly ineffective record at killing superheroes (Spidey and Captain Britain are still walking around, you may notice), how much can he possibly charge?

Page 12. Instant androids?!? See, this is exactly what I’m saying, this is extraordinarily advanced technology. Where the hell is Arcade’s funding coming from?

Page 17. I know it’s terribly dated and more than a tad nationalist of them to brainwash Colossus like that, but I kind of like the Proletarian, to be honest with you.

Post Mortem
Man, no one likes Arcade (by "no one", I clearly mean refer to myself, and if you like him too bad). And not because he’s extraordinarily lame, like Moses Magnum. He’s just fucked up. There’s potential here, to be sure, but he’s so bizarrely twisted and wasteful in his killing techniques. He’s like a low rent Joker, only half as clever and with out any of the humor or class.

Also, even though Spider-Man is totally my favorite comic book character ever, I really don’t know why he’s in a third of this issue. If Arcade had captured him too and he was fighting along side the X-Men, I could see it, but as it stands? He really wasn’t an important character in this story. He seems to mostly be in here to set up another confrontation with him and Arcade in some future book, presumably his own (had Peter Parker, Spider-Man started yet?) or with someone else in Marvel Team-Up. I just think that if you cross over with other characters, you should have an actual plot that uses all of them.