What If Wednesday #9: What If The Avengers Had Been Formed in the 1950's? (On a Thursday. Whatever.)

On Wednesdays, The Amazing Justin Palm! gets drunk as shit and reviews an issue of Marvel Comics’ “What If?” so that you, the reader, can enjoy his drunken ramblings about a comic book whose sole purpose is to talk about shit that never happened, so it doesn’t matter at all. Dear Internet: You’re welcome.
I meant to post this yesterday, but then I didn’t. So you get it today. Just pretend it’s Wednesday or something.

Well, I promised you a good one, and I sort of am delivering. I admit, I’m way more into this issue than probably most people, because I like obscure comic book characters, and, well, that’s what this issue is about. But the 1950’s Avengers have since starred in some really great comics as the Agents of Atlas over the last few years, and that might not have happened without this book. So I’m a little sentimental about it.

That being said, the framing device IS pretty lame, but whatever.

We open in Avengers mansion, where Iron Man has summoned 4 other Avengers- Captain America, Beast (see the X-Men movies), Thor (see the Thor movie), and Vision (too complicated to explain here, he's a robot, and otherwise just go with it)- for a top secret pseudo-briefing. He says he'll explain later, but first, he asks them the question that is this issue's title. What if the Avengers had been founded in the 1950's? Preposterous, I know.

Using a bit of continuity nonsense not worth explaining here, Iron Man shows the gathered heroes a version of the 1950s filled with “I like Ike” buttons and other random crap you might have seen on “I Love Lucy”. We come to a scene in San Francisco in the late 1950's, where secret agent Jimmy Woo, patrolling the streets of Chinatown, is attacked by a vicious gang of bikers. See, way back in the 50's, before the Marvel Age of comics, Atlas Comics (Atlas was Marvel before Marvel was Marvel) made comics about Jimmy Woo, Asian-American agent of the FBI who hunted down the evil Chinese communist (and in no way Fu-Manchu analogue) Yellow Claw. It was a different time.

Anyway, as Jimmy Woo gets his ass handed to him, he's spotted by the 3-D Man. Probably should have warned you, this issue involves a lot of crazy continuity. This issue of What If waits to explain all this later, but I'll fill you in now. So the 3-D Man... uh, okay, this is pretty crazy, so shortest version possible: Experimental test pilot, ran into some aliens that turned out to be the shape changing Skrulls (see my review of Essential FF vol 1), crazy stuff happened, and he and his younger brother sort of ended up combining their bodies, which... turned them into the 3-D Man... look, I don't even know, dude. He wear's a half green, half red jumpsuit, and can see Skrulls. Just go with it. 3-D Man beats up all the bad dudes, and then Marvel Boy shows up to mind read them and find out that the motor cycle gang works for Yellow Claw. Yes. Marvel Boy.

Okay, so, Marvel Boy. This shit’s about to get REALLY crazy, guys. (Crazy. Awesome.) When he was just a baby, his mom and sister were killed by Nazi's. So, naturally, his father built a spaceship and he and his dad went to Uranus, because, you know, why not? There, he grew up with the native Uranians, and got super-powers. I warned you about just going with it. Anyway, Agent Woo is setting up a team to fight Yellow Claw, and 3-D Man and Marvel Boy are two of his recruits. You know how the Avengers movie is coming out next summer? Well, this is basically the same plot, but in the 50's, with Jimmy Woo instead of Nick Fury. Jimmy sends Marvel Boy and his space ship with Jann of the Jungle (uh... think Tarzan's Jame, but in a comic) to find Gorilla Man, and convince him to join the team.

Believe it or not, Gorilla Man rules the schools. See, Ken Hale was a big game hunter who learned of a Gorilla Man, who, if killed, supposedly turned the killer immortal. So, he found this Gorilla Man, and shot him dead, only to discover that the Gorilla Man was really a curse. Turned out that who ever killed the Gorilla Man became the next Gorilla Man, and was super strong and awesome, but also a gorilla. This makes more sense than it sounds, I promise. Anyway, Gorilla Man joins the team, and Jann stays behind, because no one cares about her. Also joining the team is Namora, Namor the Sub-Mariner's cousin who has all his powers; the Human Robot, a super awesome kill-bot who is human in name only, he’s seriously just a crazy robot built to kill stuff; and Venus, who's essentially what she says she is, the Goddess of Love.

It's at this point that we flashback to the REAL Avengers, asking what the hell Iron Man is talking about, and he explains everything I just already covered about who these people are. Anyway, the gangs all together now, and thus the Avengers of the 1950's is formed! Meanwhile, Yellow Claw has formed his own team, which, to be honest, is lame as hell, and you don't care about. Believe me, if I don't care bout them, then I KNOW you don't either. But Yellow Claw has his own team now, and obviously, now the good guys have to fight the bad guys. For CAPITALISM, god damn it!

Anyway, the Yellow Claw's agents kidnap President Eisenhower off the golf course, cuz they're dicks, but Jimmy sneaks underground with them. The 50's Avengers are busy in a fight amongst themselves (it is, after all, the Merry Marvel Manner of superheroing), until they get a coded message from Agent Woo. Then they all band together to go save the President! Back in the Yellow Claw's headquarters, Ike is held captive, and Jimmy visits Suwan, Yellow Claw's grand-niece and Jimmy Woo's long time love interest. Jimmy gets his make out on, until he's captured by the bad guys, cuz he's a worse secret agent than James Bond.

Luckily, the day is saved by Agent Woo's team! The good guys beat the bad guys, Suwan lets Jimmy go free, and although Yellow Claw escapes, Eisenhower is saved, so yay the good guys! Except, uh, it's the 50's. So, because aliens and communists are everywhere in the public subconscious, Eisenhower asks the team to disband, and pretend they never existed. Eisenhower wants to make everyone think none of this happened, because McCarthyism was a crazy time, kids.

So, the team disbands, and we learn why Iron Man selected this particular group. It's kinda silly, but basically: Cap= 3-D Man, Iron Man = Marvel Boy, Beast = Gorilla Man, Vision = Human Robot, and Thor = Venus. Try not to think about it too much.

Seriously, though, Jimmy Woo’s team is awesome, and if you’re bored and looking for something to read, go find a copy of the Agents of Atlas books by Jeff Parker and co. And if you want to ignore all the nonsense involving the Avengers as stand ins for the 50’s Avengers, this isn’t a bad story.

Next time, well, it’s gonna be a weird one folks. Next time it’s “What If Jane Foster Had Found the Hammer of Thor?” I’m not entirely sure how Jane’s going to be found worthy, or what this means to Dr. Donald Blake, but apparently it involves the Stone Men From Saturn from the first Thor story, and I am a HUGE fan of them. So there’s that I guess.

What If Wednesday #8.1: What If The Spider Had Been Bitten By a Radioactive Human?

On Wednesdays, The Amazing Justin Palm! gets drunk as shit and reviews an issue of Marvel Comics’ “What If?” so that you, the reader, can enjoy his drunken ramblings about a comic book whose sole purpose is to talk about shit that never happened, so it doesn’t matter at all. Dear Internet: You’re welcome.

BONUS EDITION

Okay, so there’s a backup comic in this week’s issue. It’s.... odd. It wants to be funny, but it’s not really. But it’s there, so here it is.

So, sort of like they used to do in “Not Brand Ecch!” (Marvel’s answer to Mad Magazine. I’ll write about it some time), this back up has Marvel Editor Roy Thomas take over for the Watcher in full Watcher garb. Just... just go with it, this is about to get pretty weird. Because in this universe, everyone (except mad scientists?(GIANT mad scientists)) are anthropomorphic animals. So we meet Webster Weaver (REALLY?), a nerdy spider who lives with his Aunt Mayfly and Uncle Bug. And.... okay, lets cut to the chase, this is Spider-Man but with bugs and animals.

So, here’s who everyone is this time: Flash is a goat named Trash, Liz Allen is a … pink snake with hair? Or something? JJJ is a jackass named J. Jonah Jackass (of course), and Betty Brant is (most offensively, in my humble opinion) a pig named Miss Grunt. Webster goes to a science experiment, where the (strangely gigantic human) mad scientist accidentally bathes himself in radiation, goes crazy, and bites Webster’s arm. This, naturally, gives the spider human powers, and thus Webster becomes the Spectacular Man-Spider.

Dear god, it gets worse. Okay, you know Spider-Man’s origin, so can we skip to the meat? Uncle Bug dies because of Man-Spider’s inaction, and thus he becomes a hero. Moving on. All his villains have animal counterparts: Culture Vulture is a vulture with a diploma, Rude Rhino is a rhino in a vest and derby, Marvin the Hunter is a lion with a knife (truly upping the ante in terms of weaponized lions), there’s a truly terrifying Dr. Octopus clone who is now a cat with nine octopus arms coming out of his ass, Leapin’ Lizard is a Lizard in a labcoat (so no real change there) - there’s a bunch more, and they just get worse, so moving on.

There’s actually sort of a plot now- since we have 2 pages left- and the silliness just gets amped up. Some one threatens to destroy the Earth’s atmosphere, so Man-Spider is on the case. The final boss? An anthropomorphic can of bugspray. This is in no way a dated reference (in terms of destroying the Earth’s atmosphere? Just... just look up CFCs, kids). Man-Spider escapes the bugspray, the bugspray isn’t really captured or anything, Roy Thomas is suddenly turned into a woodchuck, the end.

Once again, really, that’s how it ends. It’s not as funny as Not Brand Ecch was, it’s mostly just a less cheerful Captain Carrot riff (I don’t actually know if Captain Carrot came out before this, but I’m a firmly pro-Captain Carrot person, so let’s go with that). But, it is what it is, a back up issue in a comic that doesn’t count. You kinda gotta see it to believe it, I guess.


Guys. This is a panel from this issue, and that's seriously only half the villains with bad names.

What If Wednesday #8: What If The World Knew Daredevil Was Blind?

On Wednesdays, The Amazing Justin Palm! gets drunk as shit and reviews an issue of Marvel Comics’ “What If?” so that you, the reader, can enjoy his drunken ramblings about a comic book whose sole purpose is to talk about shit that never happened, so it doesn’t matter at all. Dear Internet: You’re welcome.

This week isn’t great, but it isn’t awful, so there’s that. Spider-Man, possible ex-Nazis, and a rare What If truly happy ending are all present. In fact, Matt Murdock (Daredevil’s secret identity) should WISH his real life is as sweet as it is in this What If. It isn’t, and that’s why Daredevil can be the best book Marvel prints (seriously, Mark Waid, Paolo Rivera, and Marcos Martin are KILLING IT on Daredevil right now). Anyway, I’m digressing right now, something that will happen a lot in this What If Wednesday. Let’s get started.

Ok, so before we even get started, I should probably do a quickie Daredevil origin, cuz I haven’t talked about him on What If Wednesday yet, and most people with good taste didn’t see the awful movie about him. So, when Matt Murdock was a kid, he saved an old dude from getting run over by a truck. Except, as he rescued the old dude, a radioactive canister fell off said truck (whose owners were clearly not big on EPA regulations), and struck Matt in the face. This blinded young Matt (hence this issue’s title) but also augmented all his other senses, which makes him awesome. Also, he’s a lawyer, his dad was a boxer who got waxed by the mob for not throwing a fight, he was trained by ninjas, he has a partner at his law firm named Foggy Nelson (yes, really), his secretary is named Karen Page, she would later go on to become a porn star who betrayed him but that’s not important right now, and I think we’re all caught up. Right? Awesome. Let’s dig in.

We start with a flashback to Daredevil #2, when he fought Spider-Man villain Electro. Guys, a lot of Daredevil’s villains are actually moonlighting Spider-Man villains. The ones who aren’t are either Bullseye or they’re lame as hell. Anyway, Electro has electric powers, if you haven’t figured that out by his name, and in the 60s he spent a lot of time fighting Dardevil. Anyway, in this version, instead of just fighting DD, Spidey was there too. Now, I’ve never read Daredevil #2 (but I probably will in a few months), but what I HAVE read is a TON of Spider-Man comics. And this comic says that Daredevil #2 happened at the same time as Spider-Man #25. Guys, that is BULLSHIT. I know this, because I have read Amazing Spider-Man #16 (twice), where Spidey and Daredevil team up to beat the Circus of Crime. Even if Daredevil #1 had JUST come out when that came out and was bi-monthly (which I think it was), there is no way that issue 2 of Daredevil came out NINE months later when Spidey #25 came out. Writer of What If #8 Don Glut: I CALL SCHNEANIGANS.

Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh right, Spider-Man and Daredevil teaming up to beat Electro. Uh... they do. BUT! In the process, Electro figures out Daredevil is blind, because when Electro shot a “blinding” electricity bolt at Daredevil, he wasn’t blinded by it. This sounds pretty stupid to me, because I don’t think Electro has ever blinded Spidey before, but I guess Electro is smarter than his outfit makes him look, because when he asks Daredevil what color his costume is, DD can’t work it out, so... secret’s out now guys. Electro goes to jail, Spidey makes fun of Daredevil’s outfit (he was still rocking his yellow and red suit, this being before the classic all-red look), and the Daily Bugle does what they’re best at- ruining superheroes’ lives- by publicizing Daredevil’s blindness.

Meanwhile, for reasons that apparently I’ll have to read Daredevil #3 to understand, Daredevil villain The Owl (would be mob boss with hollow bones who can sort of awkwardly fly. I warned you that most of DD’s villains were lame) decides he needs an attorney, and of course he hires Matt Murdock. Comics, everybody. Anyway, as the Owl is waiting for Matt Murdock to come back into his office, Daredevil shows up to beat him up. But since the Owl knows Daredevil is blind he has a device to fuck up his other senses... you know what, doesn’t even matter, cuz with Karen’s help, old Hornhead beats the Owl anyway. Oh, and Karen figures out Matt is Daredevil (duh.). Which is great, cuz now they can get together like they both want, guilt free about the whole “secret superhero” thing. No future as a porn actress in this universe, Karen Page! Oh, also Foggy overheard all of this, so now he knows who Daredevil is, and it bums him out. I gotta say, I like Matt Murdock a lot more these days when all his friends know the truth. Way less of an asshole. But enough digression.

There’s talk of going to an eye specialist to unblind Matt, Foggy is disgruntled, and apparently an ex-Nazi or something gets involved. Okay, that’s never said directly, but Matt and Karen go to Europe to find this specialist or whatever, and we meet Duke Klaus Kruger who rules a small European country with an iron fist. Apparently this is from Daredevil #9, and I really need to read Essential Daredevil vol 1 I guess. But seriously, mid 60’s tyrant named Klaus Kruger. There is no way this guy isn’t an ex-Nazi. And the country is called “Lichtenbad”. Hilarious. The people hate Kruger, but he has robot guards, so it’s kind of a wash. I’m not making this up, you know. These robots are in-explicitly dressed as medieval knights, which makes it even funnier when they show up to kidnap the eye specialist right after he performs surgery on Matt’s eyes.

Daredevil races to save the doctor, beats up Kruger, and the people of “Lichtenbad” revolt against their evil dictator. Democracy totally takes over, Matt is magically not blind, which would be great, except that now his super powers are gone, and we still have 6 pages to go.

So remember how Murdock was supposed to defend the Owl? That dude does not forget a grudge. Matt’s basically kidnapped, and has to defend the Owl in a mock trial at the Owl’s headquarters, and if he fails, the Owl will kill a judge he also kidnapped. Pretty sure the Owl is insane, everyone. Matt calls a witness at this fake trial, and that witness is.... Daredevil. This is a really shitty plan, but SOMEHOW no one notices that after Daredevil showed up, Matt Murdock disappeared. Fighting ensues, and despite no longer having powers, Daredevil saves the day.

After that, Matt decides he maybe should retire from being a superhero, since he has no powers. He publicly releases his identity, marries Karen, and becomes District Attorney. And Foggy gets the shaft, as usual. The end. (No really)

I don’t know enough continuity to comment about this issue much (beyond the GLARINGLY WRONG bit about Spider-Man #25). I guess the moral to this issue is that Matt Murdock’s life would be a lot less shitty if he just went public. I’m kind of... uncomfortable about the idea of “curing” the number one differently-abled superhero in the world, but it’s a what if, so I guess I’ll give it a pass. The Owl is still lame, but whatever, at least he’s not Stilt-Man (don’t even ask).

Next time! Oh man, do we have a treat for you next time, because next time it’s What If the Avengers Had Been Formed in the 1950’s? That may not sound cool, but this next issue has sprung literally dozens of sequel comics off of it, and most of them are AWESOME. See you next time!

What If Wednesdays #7: What If Someone Else Had Become The Amazing Spider-Man?

On Wednesdays, The Amazing Justin Palm! gets drunk as shit and reviews an issue of Marvel Comics’ “What If?” so that you, the reader, can enjoy his drunken ramblings about a comic book whose sole purpose is to talk about shit that never happened, so it doesn’t matter at all. Dear Internet: You’re welcome.

Oo! Triple Threat this week! Three stories all based on the same idea, which... is in the title. We get to see what happens when (Peter Parker’s bully and Spider-Man’s #1 Fan) Flash Thompson, (Peter’s first girl friend and J Jonah Jameson’s secretary) Betty Brant, and (JJJ’s hero son) John Jameson all get Spider-Man’s powers instead of, you know, Spider-Man. Who lives? Who dies? Who gets sexy with nerds?

Alright, after three pages of Spidey rescuing a kid who invites him to dinner, than a quickie Spidey-origin, we’re off. In story one, while Peter Parker is attending the science exhibit that would accidentally give him his powers, Flash Thompson busts in, mostly because he can (and also two impress two girls, I guess?). Anyway, the spider lands on Flash, not Peter, and thus gives him spider powers. After being bitten, Flash brushes it off, and leaves with the girls. Peter, meanwhile, realizes that the spider might somehow give someone super powers, and swipes it.

As Flash and the girls head outside, a car speeds towards them, about to kill them all. Flash instinctively grabs the girls and tosses them out of the way, and then pulls the driver out of the car and freaks him out. Realizing he’s suddenly super strong, Flash decides this is a good time to take up professional wrestling. Just like in Amazing Fantasy 15, a now super powered Flash wrestles with Crusher Hogan to make $100, only Flash, unlike Peter, is unaware of his own strength, and accidentally breaks Hogan’s neck. Flash is pretty freaked out by this, as it was purely an accident, and when the cops show up to arrest him, he responds in the worst way possible, by punching them and making a run for it. What can I say, he’s just a stupid kid.

Realizing that almost everyone saw his face and he is totally screwed, Flash decides to... make a costume that looks almost exactly like Spider-Man’s, and fight crime as (I’m not kidding) “Captain Spider.” Captain Spider fights the Chameleon, the Tinkerer (oy, early Spider-Man stories) and finally the Vulture. It’s this last fight that gets him in trouble, because Flash’s Captain Spider lacks Spider-Man’s web-shooters. So, in mid-ariel battle, the Vulture gets off a good punch, and Flash plummets to his death. Peter Parker happens to see all of this happen, and rushes to Captain Spider’s side, but it’s too late. Peter realizes that Captain Spider was actually Flash, and is touched that his former bully was actually a hero all along.

In story two, it turns out that the scientist giving the demonstration is actually a “close, personal friend “of J. Jonah Jameson, and JJJ promised him top billing in Sunday’s paper. The fact that JJJ refers to his ‘friend’ as “that egghead” is never further addressed. Anyway, Betty Brant is with JJJ to take notes for the article. Peter spots Betty and realizes he wants her in the biblical sense, but just then the radioactive spider bites her, making her feel ill as she gains powers.

Peter catches Betty before she can fall, and also pawns the spider for further research, and cons Betty into going out for coffee with him. For a nerd, Peter Parker is a smooth motherfucker, everyone. Peter asks her about her work at the Bugle, and Betty just freaks out because she hates Jameson, accidentally breaking the table they’re sitting at in her rage. Peter then cons Betty into letting him visit her in her apartment, to put her through a serious of “experiments” to “test her powers”. One assumes they get sexy here.

After testing out Betty’s powers, they make her a (truly awful) costume, Peter invents webshooters for her, and Spider-Girl is born! Seriously, this costume is the worst. It’s Spider-Man’s mask, gloves, and boots, with a blue corset and bikini bottoms and webwings that don’t attach anywhere. It’s like someone looked at Spider-Man’s costume, said “how can we take this, put it on a lady, and make it as unflattering as possible while still looking like we thought it might be sexy?” It is truly, truly terrible.

Anyway, Peter sells photos of her to Jonah over at the Bugle, who of course thinks she’s a menace. Betty is kind of freaked out by her powers, but with the webbing and everything, she rarely needs to really use them. One night when Peter is taking her picture, a mugger runs past, and Spider-Girl- afraid of her strength, remember- doesn’t stop him. The cops chew her out for that, and at this point you can probably see where this is going.

Peter and Betty learn that someone has killed Peter’s Uncle Ben, and Betty heads off to catch him. After dispatching him, she realizes that it’s the same thief she didn’t stop earlier, and that pretty much ends her career. She can’t take the guilt and her own weakness (ugh, that is an awful thing for someone to have to write...), and we get a bit of Spider-Man: No More!, as Betty leaves her costume in a trash can. Peter looks on at the outfit, and wonders....

Story three! This time, JJJ’s son John Jameson is at the science experiment, because why the hell not. If you saw Spider-Man 2, you know that Jonah’s son is an astronaut, and if you didn’t I just told you. Anyway, he gets bitten, has powers, and is awesome. Jameson discovers his son has superpowers, and immediately decides that this is great, and decides to make it public, so John Jameson dons a jetpack and another horrible Spider-Man rip-off costume to become (groan) Spider-Jameson!

Spider Jameson goes off to rescue the space capsule that he himself would ride in normal continuity, and ends up sacrificing himself to save the astronauts on-board. Jameson builds a memorial to his son, and decides to support all future superheroes, because in this universe JJJ has some weird thing called compassion.

The epilogue to all three stories is the same. Having witnessed the potential in Captain Spider/Spider-Girl/Spider Jameson, Peter Parker uses the spider left over from the experiment to create a serum, and become the Amazing Spider-Man! And thus, a new hero is born for a new age! Or something!

So, honestly, I’m a little disappointed with this one. It’s a nice enough idea for a What If, but the execution feels both rushed and off. Like, it would have been better if this had been three separate issues, to let the stories breathe a bit. Also, I hate that all three end with Peter as Spider-Man. It kind of defeats the point if at the end, the story basically goes “and now back to your regularly scheduled universe.” It undermines the whole thing. And only one of these stories brings up Uncle Ben and guilt (the entire point of Spider-Man, guys) which logically doesn’t make sense in terms of the timeline of his death.... oy. And don’t even get me started on the outfits. Apparently, one of the by-products of being bitten by a radioactive spider is dressing in blue and red spandex with a web motif.

Next time! What If The World Knew Daredevil Was Blind? Hopefully it won’t be like that time his identity was outed to the public.

What If Wednesday #6: What If The Fantastic Four Had Different Super-Powers?

On Wednesdays, The Amazing Justin Palm! gets drunk as shit and reviews an issue of Marvel Comics’ “What If?” so that you, the reader, can enjoy his drunken ramblings about a comic book whose sole purpose is to talk about shit that never happened, so it doesn’t matter at all. Dear Internet: You’re welcome.

Eh. I know last week, I promised that this would be awesome, and frankly, the last 2 pages TOTALLY ARE. But the build up, leading to them? Not so much. Honestly, you could skip the first twenty or so pages of this book, and based on the title and cover alone, be aware of what is going on. This is a story where the FF have different powers. Until the very end, that’s it. That’s not just the hook, it’s the whole damn story. And it’s far from perfect.

Oy. It’s three in the morning, and the scotch I’m drinking isn’t old enough to vote yet. Therefore, I guarantee when I wake up tomorrow afternoon, I’m going to regret it. Let’s get this shit over with already. After four friggin’ pages of showing us the regular Fantastic Four fighting terrorists or something, Uatu (the Watcher, if you don’t know his real name) finally decides to get to the freaking point, and start talking about an alternate universe. Point of order, this isn’t an origin, or a quick “who they are and what they do” thing. This is four fucking pages of a battle that has no relevance to anything in the plot of this issue. 4 pages in a 32 page comic? Officially 1/8th of this comic is a waste of space. Officially.

ANYWAY! Uatu finally starts talking about the idea of the title, and then.... four more god damn pages of the ORIGINAL Fantastic Four origin. Seriously. THE FIRST FOURTH OF THIS COMIC IS SHIT THAT WE DON’T NEED, BECAUSE WE ALREADY KNOW. But in case you don’t know (I suppose, technically, I’ve never done a rundown of it in a What If article): Super-scientist Reed Richards, his best friend (and pilot) Ben Grimm, Reed’s girlfriend Susan Storm, and her punk ass brother Johnny go on an illegal space flight to, well, space, to beat the Russians in the space race. 1961 was a different time, people. Anyway, they get blasted by cosmic rays, land back on Earth, and have super powers. Reed is super stretchy, Susan can turn invisible, Johnny can turn into a flammy asshole, and Ben is the Thing, which is like the Hulk, but orange and rocky. If you need more info, check out my review of Essential Fantastic Four vol. 1, because I’m done explaining this shit.

So, in this universe, as the title suggests, the whole gang gets different powers. Ben grows a pair of dragon wings and can fly, which is pretty sweet. Johnny is turned into some kind of “living robot” (a quote from the comic, not my description), which is basically a more robot-like version of Colossus from the X-Men, I guess? Susan now has mainstream-Reed’s stretchy powers, and Reed explodes, turning into a talking, glowing brain (I’m not making this up, you know.). Thus, in this bizarre and mostly weird universe, the Fantastic Four are born!

Anyway, the FF stop a robbery which is perpetrated by some gargoyle-esque demon and his henchmen, we pull out to reveal that Doctor Doom was behind all of it! And that pisses Doom off big time, because that jewelry store robbery was... integral... to Doom’s... ah, fuck it. Doom’s just pissed off because “RICHARDDDDSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!” like usual. After ranting about Blackbeard’s treasure (Doom’s early adventures were kinda lame, okay?), Doom is left behind for two pages, so we can focus on one of Reed Richard’s most important characteristics in What If: moping about life being unfair. Using a serious of apparently hidden cameras, Reed checks in on Ben, who’s living it up; Johnny, who’s life isn’t as great as in our universe; and Sue, who plays with children, but who also has decided that marrying a floating brain isn’t such a great deal, so she’s thinking about hitching up with Ben. Suddenly, an intruder invades the Baxter Building! Reed-the-brain rushes to find him, only to reveal that it’s none-other than Dr. Doom!

In a show of altruism (which is probably part of his evil plan, but whatever), Doom tells Richards that he can make a robot body for him, so that, you know, he won’t just be a gross floating brain anymore. Richards refuses, not because he distrusts Doom, mind you, but because he’s grown “accustomed” (again, I’m quoting the actual goddamn comic) to being a gross floating brain. People, seriously, Reed Richards is an unstable individual.

Reed’s all like “it sure is great being an awesome brain super scientist!” until Doom grabs another (I assume?) invisible camera to show Sue cuddling up to Ben. Reed quickly FREAKS THE FUCK OUT, and is easily convinced by Doom that Doom can save his crappy relationship, when “Mandroid” Johnny shows up and everything turns to hell. Also, the trap that Doom has tricked Reed-the-living-brain into floating into? He calls it the “Cerebro Shield”, so I guess it’s some sort of anti-Professor X technology? I guess? Anyway, Reed’s trapped in it, and can’t talk to his teammates, while Doom whips Johnny’s metal ass. After defeating Johnny, Doom takes Reed-the-brain captive, and heads to his homeland of Latveria. Why doesn’t Doom just straight up kill Richards and Johnny right now, and be done with it? Because this is comics, everybody. Stop asking so damn many questions.

Ben and Sue find Johnny in ruble, and because Doom foolishly named dropped who he is, Ben realizes who was here and retells Doom’s origin. I know, I know, I haven’t explained that in a What If Wednesday yet, but fuck it. I guarantee, if you don’t know, there will be a MUCH BETTER time to explain it. Possibly in episode 22, “What If Doctor Doom Had Become a Hero?”? This is just a thought. So, uh, if you don’t know who Doctor Doom is, despite 50 years of comics history, multiple cartoons and video games, and 2 (really 3) movies.... wikipedia it, okay?

Ben, Sue, and Johnny, high tail it for Latveria. Meanwhile, Reed-the-brain finds out Doom’s big plan is to use him to power his time machine, to steal Blackbeard’s treasure, which, at this point, can I just call schenanigans and assume this isn’t really Doom but actually a Doombot? Cuz this plot is stupid. Anyway, the rest of the FF show up to wreck up the place, and I’d like to pause for a moment, because watching Sue Storm have Mr. Fantastic’s powers is... well, disturbing. I mean, Reed’s faux-Plastic Man powers have always been weird, but seriously, when you add the aspect of the female form to the equation, it gets just down right awkward. I’m not trying to be sexist, I swear, but there are some scenes here where all you can assume based on simple anatomy is that Susan is smothering guards with her breasts. And honestly, that makes me uncomfortable...

Anyway, the team escapes Doom’s deathtraps and such, and start fighting with the man himself. Reed’s apparently psychic powers attack Doom, but Doom still manages to put up a hell of a fight for the FF. In fact, after mostly beating all of them, Doom blows off Johnny’s entire arm... which some how damages his armor pretty seriously. I’m real shy on details, here, not just because of the scotch, but frankly because said details are awfully sketchy. Doom takes down (in a non-fatality kind of way) Johnny once and for all, only to be attacked by Susan’s incredibly inflatable breasts. They wrestle for a page, and then Doom proves himself the equal of all the other three FF, so much so that he’s feeling like King Shit of Turd Mountain. Now victorious, he goes to blow up Reed-the-brain (or something), but wait! Reed is SO PISSED OFF, that he starts mentally attacking Doom! And as Doom hits the “Blow Up Reed-The-Brain” Button, Reed attacks! In the ensuing chaos, Doom has been left brain death, with Reed taking over his body! And thus, a new Fantastic Four is born, led by (Reed’s brain in) Dr. Doom(‘s body)! And thus, does our tale end! (The new Red-Sue-Ben love triangle remains unresolved, I should point out.)

So.... end result? Awesome. Dr. Doom now leads the team, only he’s really Reed in Doom’s body. That’s some high concept cool shit. Getting there? Somewhat less than. I don’t know, I just have trouble with the whole “Reed Richards is nothing but a brain” thing. Again, this ending rules. But, I knew how this was going to end before I read it (thanks to Gavok at 4th Letter, who, frankly, this entire column owes a debt of gratitude too..), and the end sounded awesome. And it was! But the middle? ...Eh. Not exactly a masterpiece.

But hey, this is more evidence for the “Reed Richards is an unstable crazy person” school of thought, so there’s that, right? And seeing Reed in Doom’s armor (in 1977, before everyone else had done it)? Pretty sweet, I must say.

Next week! What If Someone Else had Become the Amazing Spider-Man? I’m not sure, but maybe it’ll be like Andrew Garfield taking over for Toby Maguire? Or something? Anyway! See you next time!On Wednesdays, The Amazing Justin Palm! gets drunk as shit and reviews an issue of Marvel Comics’ “What If?” so that you, the reader, can enjoy his drunken ramblings about a comic book whose sole purpose is to talk about shit that never happened, so it doesn’t matter at all. Dear Internet: You’re welcome.

Eh. I know last week, I promised that this would be awesome, and frankly, the last 2 pages TOTALLY ARE. But the build up, leading to them? Not so much. Honestly, you could skip the first twenty or so pages of this book, and based on the title and cover alone, be aware of what is going on. This is a story where the FF have different powers. Until the very end, that’s it. That’s not just the hook, it’s the whole damn story. And it’s far from perfect.

Oy. It’s three in the morning, and the scotch I’m drinking isn’t old enough to vote yet. Therefore, I guarantee when I wake up tomorrow afternoon, I’m going to regret it. Let’s get this shit over with already. After four friggin’ pages of showing us the regular Fantastic Four fighting terrorists or something, Uatu (the Watcher, if you don’t know his real name) finally decides to get to the freaking point, and start talking about an alternate universe. Point of order, this isn’t an origin, or a quick “who they are and what they do” thing. This is four fucking pages of a battle that has no relevance to anything in the plot of this issue. 4 pages in a 32 page comic? Officially 1/8th of this comic is a waste of space. Officially.

ANYWAY! Uatu finally starts talking about the idea of the title, and then.... four more god damn pages of the ORIGINAL Fantastic Four origin. Seriously. THE FIRST FOURTH OF THIS COMIC IS SHIT THAT WE DON’T NEED, BECAUSE WE ALREADY KNOW. But in case you don’t know (I suppose, technically, I’ve never done a rundown of it in a What If article): Super-scientist Reed Richards, his best friend (and pilot) Ben Grimm, Reed’s girlfriend Susan Storm, and her punk ass brother Johnny go on an illegal space flight to, well, space, to beat the Russians in the space race. 1961 was a different time, people. Anyway, they get blasted by cosmic rays, land back on Earth, and have super powers. Reed is super stretchy, Susan can turn invisible, Johnny can turn into a flammy asshole, and Ben is the Thing, which is like the Hulk, but orange and rocky. If you need more info, check out my review of Essential Fantastic Four vol. 1, because I’m done explaining this shit.

So, in this universe, as the title suggests, the whole gang gets different powers. Ben grows a pair of dragon wings and can fly, which is pretty sweet. Johnny is turned into some kind of “living robot” (a quote from the comic, not my description), which is basically a more robot-like version of Colossus from the X-Men, I guess? Susan now has mainstream-Reed’s stretchy powers, and Reed explodes, turning into a talking, glowing brain (I’m not making this up, you know.). Thus, in this bizarre and mostly weird universe, the Fantastic Four are born!

Anyway, the FF stop a robbery which is perpetrated by some gargoyle-esque demon and his henchmen, we pull out to reveal that Doctor Doom was behind all of it! And that pisses Doom off big time, because that jewelry store robbery was... integral... to Doom’s... ah, fuck it. Doom’s just pissed off because “RICHARDDDDSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!” like usual. After ranting about Blackbeard’s treasure (Doom’s early adventures were kinda lame, okay?), Doom is left behind for two pages, so we can focus on one of Reed Richard’s most important characteristics in What If: moping about life being unfair. Using a serious of apparently hidden cameras, Reed checks in on Ben, who’s living it up; Johnny, who’s life isn’t as great as in our universe; and Sue, who plays with children, but who also has decided that marrying a floating brain isn’t such a great deal, so she’s thinking about hitching up with Ben. Suddenly, an intruder invades the Baxter Building! Reed-the-brain rushes to find him, only to reveal that it’s none-other than Dr. Doom!

In a show of altruism (which is probably part of his evil plan, but whatever), Doom tells Richards that he can make a robot body for him, so that, you know, he won’t just be a gross floating brain anymore. Richards refuses, not because he distrusts Doom, mind you, but because he’s grown “accustomed” (again, I’m quoting the actual goddamn comic) to being a gross floating brain. People, seriously, Reed Richards is an unstable individual.

Reed’s all like “it sure is great being an awesome brain super scientist!” until Doom grabs another (I assume?) invisible camera to show Sue cuddling up to Ben. Reed quickly FREAKS THE FUCK OUT, and is easily convinced by Doom that Doom can save his crappy relationship, when “Mandroid” Johnny shows up and everything turns to hell. Also, the trap that Doom has tricked Reed-the-living-brain into floating into? He calls it the “Cerebro Shield”, so I guess it’s some sort of anti-Professor X technology? I guess? Anyway, Reed’s trapped in it, and can’t talk to his teammates, while Doom whips Johnny’s metal ass. After defeating Johnny, Doom takes Reed-the-brain captive, and heads to his homeland of Latveria. Why doesn’t Doom just straight up kill Richards and Johnny right now, and be done with it? Because this is comics, everybody. Stop asking so damn many questions.

Ben and Sue find Johnny in ruble, and because Doom foolishly named dropped who he is, Ben realizes who was here and retells Doom’s origin. I know, I know, I haven’t explained that in a What If Wednesday yet, but fuck it. I guarantee, if you don’t know, there will be a MUCH BETTER time to explain it. Possibly in episode 22, “What If Doctor Doom Had Become a Hero?”? This is just a thought. So, uh, if you don’t know who Doctor Doom is, despite 50 years of comics history, multiple cartoons and video games, and 2 (really 3) movies.... wikipedia it, okay?

Ben, Sue, and Johnny, high tail it for Latveria. Meanwhile, Reed-the-brain finds out Doom’s big plan is to use him to power his time machine, to steal Blackbeard’s treasure, which, at this point, can I just call schenanigans and assume this isn’t really Doom but actually a Doombot? Cuz this plot is stupid. Anyway, the rest of the FF show up to wreck up the place, and I’d like to pause for a moment, because watching Sue Storm have Mr. Fantastic’s powers is... well, disturbing. I mean, Reed’s faux-Plastic Man powers have always been weird, but seriously, when you add the aspect of the female form to the equation, it gets just down right awkward. I’m not trying to be sexist, I swear, but there are some scenes here where all you can assume based on simple anatomy is that Susan is smothering guards with her breasts. And honestly, that makes me uncomfortable...

Anyway, the team escapes Doom’s deathtraps and such, and start fighting with the man himself. Reed’s apparently psychic powers attack Doom, but Doom still manages to put up a hell of a fight for the FF. In fact, after mostly beating all of them, Doom blows off Johnny’s entire arm... which some how damages his armor pretty seriously. I’m real shy on details, here, not just because of the scotch, but frankly because said details are awfully sketchy. Doom takes down (in a non-fatality kind of way) Johnny once and for all, only to be attacked by Susan’s incredibly inflatable breasts. They wrestle for a page, and then Doom proves himself the equal of all the other three FF, so much so that he’s feeling like King Shit of Turd Mountain. Now victorious, he goes to blow up Reed-the-brain (or something), but wait! Reed is SO PISSED OFF, that he starts mentally attacking Doom! And as Doom hits the “Blow Up Reed-The-Brain” Button, Reed attacks! In the ensuing chaos, Doom has been left brain death, with Reed taking over his body! And thus, a new Fantastic Four is born, led by (Reed’s brain in) Dr. Doom(‘s body)! And thus, does our tale end! (The new Red-Sue-Ben love triangle remains unresolved, I should point out.)

So.... end result? Awesome. Dr. Doom now leads the team, only he’s really Reed in Doom’s body. That’s some high concept cool shit. Getting there? Somewhat less than. I don’t know, I just have trouble with the whole “Reed Richards is nothing but a brain” thing. Again, this ending rules. But, I knew how this was going to end before I read it (thanks to Gavok at 4th Letter, who, frankly, this entire column owes a debt of gratitude too..), and the end sounded awesome. And it was! But the middle? ...Eh. Not exactly a masterpiece.

But hey, this is more evidence for the “Reed Richards is an unstable crazy person” school of thought, so there’s that, right? And seeing Reed in Doom’s armor (in 1977, before everyone else had done it)? Pretty sweet, I must say.

Next week! What If Someone Else had Become the Amazing Spider-Man? I’m not sure, but maybe it’ll be like Andrew Garfield taking over for Toby Maguire? Or something? Anyway! See you next time!

What If Wednesday #5: What If Captain America Hadn’t Vanished During World War II?

On Wednesdays, The Amazing Justin Palm! gets drunk as shit and reviews an issue of Marvel Comics’ “What If?” so that you, the reader, can enjoy his drunken ramblings about a comic book whose sole purpose is to talk about shit that never happened, so it doesn’t matter at all. Dear Internet: You’re welcome.

Okay, so right off the bat, I promise that THIS WEEK I won’t fill up this article with a bunch of Greek Mythology nonsense. That said, I haven’t read this week’s issue yet, so we’ll see if I can keep that promise. Onward! (Editor’s Note: He actually keeps his promise!)

Short version? Personally, I really kinda liked this issue. But, realistically? This story is so burdened down with continuity, that no one who doesn’t get all of the history, PLUS respect the fucked up nature of comics’ “sliding time scale” could really make heads or tails out of it. This issue works, as long as you’re cool with saying that all Marvel comics started 20 years after WWII. But when you start thinking of history as, you know, literal history? It all falls apart.

EVEN SHORTER VERSION: I liked it. But a lot of people probably won’t get it.

Okay, so page one, at least they acknowledge that this week’s story is similar to the last issue, so that’s something. They also say that it “isn’t” that similar to the last issue, so we’ll see. So, (Jesus) after ANOTHER recount of Avengers #4, we get to see what happened in this universe. This time, Cap manages to take over the missile’s systems, he and Bucky get to safety as the plane/rocket/bomb/whatever goes off, Zemo escapes to the safety of Nazi Occupied France, and all is well for the moment.

Zemo returns to his master, the Red Skull, who quickly kills him for being the douche that he is. The Skull realizes his plans (whatever they were) are bullshit, and that Captain America and Bucky will soon arrive to kick ass, so he flees in the name of not getting his ass handed to him. His men are all pissed off about being abandoned, but then Cap and Bucky show up and basically pound the shit out of all these Nazi scum. Say what you will about the Red Skull, but stupid he is not. The Red Skull rants about some secret weapon involving Zemo... and well see if that matters later.

Anyway, after 1945 WWII ends (duh), and Cap and Bucky (who now insists on being called ‘Buck’, whatever) quit fighting Nazis and start fighting communists. Which, frankly, is ironic if you’re a student of history (cuz, you know, the communists seriously helped defeat Hitler more than everyone else), but if you’re a student of COMIC BOOK HISTORY like me, you just accept it without any feeling of irony. Sod off, historical irony!

So, anyway, in this universe, Nick Fury dies in the Korean War or something, and Cap and Buck(y) keep fighting the good fight. But by 1965ish, things have changed. So, here’s the lowdown- just like in the regular Marvel universe, a bunch of former Nazi big bads have formed a terrorist organization called Hydra (complete with their own big bad, named Supreme Hydra). And, just like in the Marvel Universe, the former allies/UN have formed a new spy organization called S.H.I.E.L.D.. But with Nick Fury long dead, LBJ asks Captain America to lead this new effort!!!

Except, Cap refuses, and suggests Buck(y) for the job. He accepts, and it goes okay. It’s all well and good, for a few years. But one day, Captain America and Bucky are hanging out, when suddenly the Hulk shows up to wreck up the joint. (This apparently parallels some issue of Cap from years ago, but whatever.) Captain America is injured, and as the Hulk destroys the building, Bucky saves Hulk’s best friend Rick Jones from being killed under all the ruble. The Hulk is an assholeish friend, you guys. And seriously, we’re like 2/3rds the way through this issue, and nothing comes close to last issues Hitler-frying. I’M JUST SAYING.

So, after all that nonsense, Cap (meaning Steve Rogers) feels guilty over Rick Jones being injured by the Hulk. Does this really make sense, since Rick hangs out with the Hulk constantly, despite him being a raging madman? No, not really. But Cap feels guilty anyway. But then, suddenly! As Steve is feeling bad about Rick being in the hospital, who is he confronted with? None other than Captain America! Or, at least, Bucky in Cap’s costume. Bucky’s all like “Cap, it’s been over 20 years, you’re too old to be Captain America!” and Cap’s like “No I’m not, cuz the Super Solider Serum is awesome!” and Bucky’s like “You are too!” and then he goes “Hey, Rick, how’d you like to be my new sidekick and be the new Bucky?” and Rick’s like “WOULD I!?!?!?!”

So, Steve Rogers keeps fighting the good fight, basically taking over for Bucky as head of SHIELD (which he was trying to avoid in the first place, remember?), but Bucky (as Cap) still gets the girl (Agent 13, aka Sharon Carter, Cap’s girlfriend in normal continuity), and Hydra still isn’t beaten. In what is apparently the final push to stop Hydra, Steve Rogers, Agent of SHIELD, Bucky as Cap, and Rick as new Bucky are all captured, and (no real surprise here) the new head of HYDRA turns out to be Baron Zemo after all these years (How Zemo wasn’t killed earlier? Not really explained). Zemo is so crazy these days that he doesn’t realize that Rogers is the original Cap (despite unmasking him decades earlier), so he needs to... kill... Bucky? I guess? Honestly, the motive here is rather unclear. Anyway, Steve punches Zemo out, and everybody makes with the grand escape...

… Which sort of... honesty, I’m not sure. Zemo suddenly realizes Rogers is the original Captain America. Then Zemo gets killed. And then Dum Dum Dugan shows up to be awesome, but then Bucky Cap dies for freaking no damn reason (see Fear Itself, modern comics readers (just sayin’)). Anyway, after the funeral, turns out Sharon blames Steve for Bucky’s death. Like, majorly. But as Steve feels sorry for himself, Rick shows up in full Bucky costume, and despite Steve being 50 to 60 years old, he convinces Steve to be Captain America once again! Thus ends this issue!

So... Ok, upfront, I know way too much about Cap history to view a Bucky/Sharon relationship as anything other than icky. But still, this issue at least isn’t boring! And honestly, more than any of the previous issues, this mostly rings true. If Cap didn’t get frozen, (and remember, the original Marvel universe started only 15 years after WWII ended), I can totally see this being the world we would have lived in (in Marvel Comics). And that’s mostly pretty great, I must say. So fuck the haters who gotta hate, I liked it.

Next time! What if the Fantastic Four Had Different Super Powers? I... I assume that things would have been vaguely different? I guess? (SPOILER: I know how it ends, and it is awesome. Don’t miss it!)

What If Wednesday #3: What If The Avengers Had Never Been?

Every Wednesday, The Amazing Justin Palm! gets drunk as shit and reviews an issue of Marvel Comics’ “What If?” so that you, the reader, can enjoy his drunken ramblings about a comic book whose sole purpose is to talk about shit that never happened, so it doesn’t matter at all. Dear Internet: You’re welcome.


Well, I may have been a slight naysayer of the concept last week, but now? This was pretty awesome. It’s still obsessed with 1962 Marvel stories, despite being published in 1977, but this week’s issue has this emotional weight to it... I don’t know. Despite half of it’s cast being characters I am on record as saying suck ass (The Wasp and Ant Man/Giant Man/Goliath/Yellow Jacket/Hank Pym/god damn could you keep your name straight for two fucking weeks?), this issue really worked for me as a whole. Again, like issue 1, far from perfect, but at least someone fucking died this time, and trust me, as you will learn soon, RANDOMLY SLAUGHTERING CHARACTERS WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES IS BASICALLY THE ENTIRE POINT OF WHAT IF?. Lets get started.

Okay, so good news, the recap of Avengers #2-3 is only 3 pages long, so unlike last week, we jump in with the real story quickly. I haven’t read these issues yet, come back to me in a few months, but basically the plot is as follows: The Avengers (Iron Man, Thor, Ant/Giant Man, and the Wasp) were formed to stop a rampaging Hulk who was being controlled by Loki, Thor’s douchebag step-brother, who, if you’ve see the new Thor movie (and if you haven’t, what the fuck is wrong with you?), you know pretty much everything that goes wrong in Thor’s life is Loki’s fault. The Avengers stop Hulk, Loki is defeated, and Hulk joins the team....

… for like half a second, because the Hulk is a violent, super strong crazy green person. Hulk quits as soon as Iron Man asks him to wash the dishes or something, the Avengers go after him, Hulk and Namor team up for some reason, and the Avengers stop them from whatever. Namor goes and throws a chunk of ice in the ocean that secretly holds Captain America, the Avengers find it, and the rest is history.

Well, not in this universe, baby. Because here, just as the team is rushing off to stop a rampaging Hulk from leaving the team, Ant/Giant Man- certified asshole and future wife-beater- brings up the point that the team’s membership is voluntary, and they shouldn’t force the Hulk to stay on it. Thor agrees, and when Iron Man points out that “yeah, but, you know, giant super-strong green monster known for destroying whole cities, maybe we should keep him in check”, Thor rushes off in a huff, and Ant/Giant Man and Wasp leave too, mostly because they are fucked up individuals (see my review of Essential Ant Man for further information). Side note: I think it’s hilarious that as soon as the Wasp opens her mouth to voice an opinion, Giant/Ant Man shuts her up by saying “Quiet Jan, this is serious!”, and then they quit because (I swear to god I am not making this up) after hanging out with Thor, Iron Man, and the Hulk, Hank Pym realizes that “growing 12 feet tall isn’t that great a power. I’m not a big-leaguer!” That’s right, Giant Man quits the team because he doesn’t feel like enough of a man when compared to the other guys around him. Thank you, Dr. Pym, for once again proving me right about how much of an asshole you are. It always comes back to size with this guy, doesn’t it?

ANYWAY! After consulting with Hulk’s ersatz side-kick Rick Jones- mostly to remind us that when he’s not crazy, the Hulk has a teenaged side-kick named Rick Jones- Iron Man rushes off to stop the Hulk from rampaging. He fails miserably, but manages to get away alive. Hulk and Namor team-up just like in the real version, and challenge the Avengers to a fight at the Rock of Gibraltar. (Editor(me)’s Note: I haven’t read Avengers #3 yet, but finding out this fight is supposed to happen at friggin’ Gibraltar makes me even more excited for it. Wikipedia it if you don’t know where/what Gibraltar is. Short version, back before we knew the world wasn’t flat, Gibraltar was literally considered the end of the world, the last place before there was nothing but endless ocean beyond, and was also known as the Pillars of Hercules for reasons that are awesome. Explaining that one will take too much time, and I’m loosing my buzz as it is fact checking this shit, but from Wikipedia: “According to Plato's account, the lost realm of Atlantis was situated beyond the Pillars of Hercules, in effect placing it in the realm of the Unknown. Renaissance tradition says the pillars bore the warning Nec plus ultra (also Non plus ultra, "nothing further beyond"), serving as a warning to sailors and navigators to go no further.” So yeah. Awesome. End Greek Mythology rant.)

So yeah. Iron Man agrees, saying he and the (non-existent) Avengers will meet the pair there in two days. Iron Man’s kind of stupid here, I guess. Realizing he can’t beat Hulk AND the Sub-Mariner by himself, Iron Man builds new suits or armor, and tries to con Rick Jones, Giant Man, and Wasp into wearing them to fight the Hulk and maybe stop him. Not only that, but these armors are way better than his. Like, Rick’s armor can let him walk through walls and shit, and they all have features like that. Iron Man doesn’t think to update his armor, because, again, I guess he’s kind of stupid, despite being a genius. AND! Despite all that awesomeness, though, they politely decline, mostly because the only person insane enough and smart enough to work a suit of Iron Man armor is Tony Stark himself. (Oh, and War Machine. But he hadn’t been created yet.)

Rejected but refusing defeat, after getting juiced up on Super-Electricity or something, Iron Man goes and fights them both. And honestly? It is baller as hell. Iron Man loses, don’t get me wrong, but man, he gives these two a hell of a fight. There’s this awesome splash page of Iron Man literally frying the Hulk, and that’s before Subby throws Iron Man head first into the rock part of the Rock of Gibraltar. Iron Man lays dying, knowing he’s given his best, yet failed. All of the sudden, though, Rick, Giant Man, and Wasp show up in their Iron Man armors!

They start kicking ass, and Namor runs away like a little bitch (okay, not really, give me a sentence or two). Giant Man and Hulk duke it out, and Iron Giant Man is doing pretty well, but he’s forgotten something REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT. The madder Hulk gets, the stronger he gets. So as Giant Man is kicking his ass, Hulk gets madder, and then he’s all “BITCHES BE TRIPPING!!!!” and hauls ass on Giant Man. Giant Man lies there, and Iron Man crawls over, and literally uses all the power in his suit AND body to power Giant Man’s armor (if you haven’t seen the movie, there’s basically a super battery in Iron’s Man’s heart keeping him alive, FYI). Giant Man is suddenly super powerful and takes down the Hulk for like 30 seconds.

Namor comes back from swimming a bit and attacks Rick. That’s bad, though, because the Hulk FINALLY realizes that it’s Rick in that armor, and goes to rescue his buddy, then attacks the Sub-Mariner. They go fight underwater, and our team of Rick Jones, Ant/Giant Man, and the Wasp mourn the death of Iron Man. End of issue.

So, there you have it. Iron Man will go down in history as the first character to die in a series that I PROMISE YOU will soon become known for being a comic book that viciously, horribly, and violently slaughters the characters that you (might) know and love, mostly because it could. Since the stories don’t really count, you know, why not? At this point, its not about shock value, and that actually shows. Iron Man dies because he’s a hero, and his sacrifice saves both the day and the life of Hank Pym (though I still think he’s a douche bag). And again, I wasn’t convinced when I learned the concept, but this is a pretty solid story, and Tony Stark’s death feels like it means something here. So bravo, mister Shooter(writer), and the always amazing Gil Kane (artist). I wasn’t sure at first, but this is pretty great.

Next week! What if The Invaders Had Stayed Together After World War II?*

* = The Invaders were a group of superheroes who fought in World War II. In case, you know, that title was too confusing for you.

What If Wednesday #2: What If the Hulk Had the Brain of Bruce Banner?

Stupid internet problems made this late. Sorry.


Every Wednesday, The Amazing Justin Palm! gets drunk as shit and reviews an issue of Marvel Comics’ “What If?” so that you, the reader, can enjoy his drunken ramblings about a comic book whose sole purpose is to talk about shit that never happened, so it doesn’t matter at all. Dear Internet: You’re welcome.


Have you seen “The Incredible Hulk” movie? If you have, this review will probably make more sense. Not the Ang Lee monstrosity starring Eric Bana and Jennifer Connelly, I mean the more recent one with Ed Norton and Liv Tyler. If you haven’t, you should, as Edward Norton is seriously amazing in every thing he does. And Liv Tyler is okay, except that despite everything, I still can’t help but see her father’s face every time I see her, and that kind of cuts down on the general hotness. Anyway, Ed Norton by himself should make you want to see any movie, so watch it if you can.

ANYWAY! What If? time. Okay, so..... fuck. This is one weird ass comic, and you have officially been warned. It’s starts off okay, then gets pretty decent, and then takes a left turn into full out Crazytown, USA. Drunk or sober, I don’t think anyone, no matter how much or little comic history they knew could make heads or tails out of this. Like, I didn’t hate it, but I really don’t know where the end came from. You know. Like the last episode of the Sopranos, only angrier? I guess? Anyway, here we go.

Okay, so seriously, I gotta say, the first 6 or so pages of this book are bullshit. Basically, the Hulk- in ‘our’ universe- is being chased around by a bunch of cops he tries to escape from, because that’s pretty much the Hulk’s whole deal. That and smashing things. And then there’s a whole page spread of the Watcher’s GIGANTIC head while he pontificates about how he’s the Watcher and he watches everything and seriously, dude, WE FUCKING GET IT. We have to sit through all this before we even begin the actual story that readers 30 years ago spent 50 cents for. Seriously Marvel, what the hell?

Anyway, then the real story begins. We get a couple pages of the Hulk’s origin being rehashed, which I’d complain about, but actually, for people who haven’t read Hulk #1 (i.e. pretty much everyone reading this who isn’t me) it IS a convenient info-filling-in-athon, so... okay. Anyway, the Watcher basically creates a bullshit explanation for the Hulk to not be... you know... violent and stupid, and to keep his Banner-brain, but... whatever. It’s fine. It’s for the story, so I’m just going to go with it. Anyway, kind of like last week we get this weird rehash of Hulk #1, but instead of the Hulk punching the ugly commie scientist into submission, he sort of makes friends with him or something. Whatever. Since Bruce Banner/the Hulk isn’t constantly being chased by Betty Ross’ asshole-General dad(he is both an asshole and a General, that was a literal statement), she and Bruce/Hulk fall in love right away, instead of going back and forth for like 30 god damn years. Anyway, they get married, and Bruce Banner wears a purple tuxedo, mostly because he’s assuming he’ll turn into the Hulk at some point I guess? (Even though he doesn’t, what bullshit is this?)

Bruce and Betty soon get a call from Reed Richards, alias Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four, and Banner goes and helps Reed to find a way to turn the Thing into regular old Ben Grimm. Apparently it works, and without their Jewish rock-monster clobberin’ expert, the FF disband. Reed and the Hulk team-up, which inadvertently means that the Avengers (Marvel Comic’s premiere super team and soon to be movie franchise) never form (the Avengers originally formed to stop the Hulk, cuz he was all violent and crazy and stuff). Since the Avengers never form, Captain America is never rediscovered (this isn’t in the comic, but is pretty damn significant for me as a comic book historian). Oh, and later Professor Charles Xaiver, founder of the X-Men (Patrick Stewart in a wheelchair), shows up to join Reed and Banner/Hulk, because I guess he thought it’d be easier than teaching a bunch of super-powered teenagers how to use their powers constructively. Nothing more is said about all the people who would normally become X-Men, so I assume at some point in this reality's future Jean Grey destroys the universe. (More on that in a latter column.)

The new team of nerds that is Reed Richards, Bruce Banner/Hulk, and Professor Xaiver are pretty great together, until Galactus shows up. For those who don’t know who Galactus is, he’s basically a space god (who loves purple) that eats planets for breakfast. Yes, you read that right. He EATS planets. And he’s come to Earth to eat ours.

Okay... now this is where things get WEIRD AS SHIT. Because, in order to defeat Galactus, the new Nerd Trio use the power of deus ex machina to combine themselves into a glowing, golden, underwear-wearing-exclusively superbeing called... wait for it.... the *groan* X-MAN. Now, I know that in the *real* universe, the FF defeated Galactus by the power of deus ex machina too... but... seriously... well... just listen, okay?

The X-MAN goes to where Galactus is, and he just... stares him down. No seriously, that’s it. They have a FUCKING STARING CONTEST, and Galactus pussies out and leaves the planet. That is how they save the world. And honestly? I’m not sure if that is awesome or boring as shit. I’m really not.

And then it just gets weirder. After Galactus leaves Earth out of boredom from the staring contest or whatever, the X-MAN (it really is always related in capital letters, I promise) reverts back to Reed, Banner, and Prof. X, except now they have no powers. And all of the sudden, Ben Grimm turns back into the Thing (I guess he sort of watched it all happen, whatever), except now he’s got the strength and mind of the Hulk too! And General Ross is now chasing him, and NONE OF THIS SHIT MAKES ANY SENSE AT ALL!

So.... yeah, I really do not get what the hell is going on in this comic, and keep in mind I’ve read pretty much every comic they reference in here. It’s not a complete train wreck, most of the middle I kind of like, but.... WHAT. I mean, at least it wasn’t boring, but even under the liberal parameters of “comic book science” I can not stress how ridiculous the endgame plot is, or how little sense it makes. All of the stuff I like about Betty and Bruce dealing with Bruce’s condition gets overridden by how bat-shit-crazy the ending is, and what the hell is going on with the Thing at the very end? Oy!

The comic isn’t completely shitty. It’s just completely insane, and not really in a good way.

Next week! What if the Avengers had Never Been? Which frankly, I thought we kind of covered this week, but hey, who am I to judge the work of writer Jim Shooter?*

*= Other than anyone who has actually read any of the work of Jim Shooter? And yes, that’s his real last name. Which is awesome. Some of his work? Not so much.

What If Wedsnesday: What If Spider-Man Had Joined the Fantastic Four?

Every Wednesday, The Amazing Justin Palm! gets drunk as shit and reviews an issue of Marvel Comics’ “What If?” so that you, the reader, can enjoy his drunken ramblings about a comic book whose sole purpose is to talk about shit that never happened, so it doesn’t matter at all. Dear Internet: You’re welcome.



So! First of these columns, and it’s actually sort of topical. This particular story takes place during the events of Amazing Spider-Man 1-2 and Fantastic Four 12-14, both of which I’ve fairly recently reviewed. The story is by Roy Thomas, which is a good sign, and asks a question that... ugh... was recently answered after the Human Torch “died”. (Yeah. Because dying off camera in a comic book means you’ll never come back ever. OF COURSE.)

Now, I’ve said it before, and I will say it again, but I have long maintained that I am philosophically opposed to any version of the Fantastic Four with Spider-Man as a member where the rest of the team ISN’T Wolverine, the Hulk, and Ghost Rider, but... honestly, this is a pretty solid story. Instead of running off like a little bitch, Spider-Man agrees to stick with the FF because Reed Richards stops being such a greedy bastard (“You want to go on crazy space adventures for me AND get paid enough to keep you’re elderly, barely alive aunt breathing through modern medicine? Fuck off asshole!”), so Peter joins the FF and everything is awesome. Seriously, they have a press conference, and Spider-Man is being heckled by America’s Greatest Newspaper Man, J. Jonah Jameson, and all the sudden Reed Richards is all “Dude, I’m backin’ my hommie” and JJJ SHUTS THE FUCK UP. Apparently, being backed up by the smartest guy on the planet gives you street credit.

Anyway, the new Fantastic Five fight the Vulture, the Red Ghost, and pretty much everything else pretty much about as it happened in the ‘real’ universe (comics aren’t really real, but you know, whatever). EXCEPT! When the FF go to the moon to fight the Red Ghost, Reed only has room for four in his rocket ship, and basically tells Sue that the men are talking, so she gets stuck on Earth while the rest of the team goes off to have an awesome moon adventure. Which by itself would be dickish and boring, except that at the same time, Namor the fucking sub-mariner has been mind controlled by the fucking Puppet Master, the Villain Who Makes The Least Amount Of Sense Ever In The History Of Comics Ever. ANYWAY! Sue joins his underwater kingdom, because she’s bored with Reed now that he has a man-crush on Spider-Man, and when the rest of the Fantastic Five get back to Earth, Reed FREAKS THE FUCK OUT. That is because Reed Richards is the most mentally unstable man on the planet, who at any time he doesn’t win Susan Storm’s heart ends up killing us all, and I promise to prove that in the coming weeks.

Anyway, there’s some mind control bullshit and stuff going on still, but essentially (heh) when the rest of then team gets home and realizes Sue is gone, they decide to go to what little is left of Atlantis to fuck Namor’s shit up. They go, there’s a mostly boring rehash of FF #14 (although it’s hard to hate any story where the Thing fights a giant octopus), and anyway! In this version of the story, after all the mind control crap is over, Sue decides she (as the only women on the team) feels like the fifth wheel on the new F5, and so she leaves Reed for Namor. And despite my comments earlier, Reed doesn’t destroy the universe.... for now.

Okay, so (*drunken*) seriously: for the first issue of a series that no one knew would really take off? Pretty decent-to-good. Is it the best issue of What If? ever? Of course not, it’s issue fucking number one. But it is SOLID, and that counts for something. I first read it when I was 14 (I promise, most of these issues I haven’t read before I review them, but I have an old copy of the “Best Of What If”, okay?) and despite not appreciating Silver Age Marvel History like I do now, it was pretty cool then, and it’s pretty cool now. So yeah. For a pilot episode? Not bad.

Next Week! What if the Hulk had the brain of Bruce Banner! I assume it will be a lot like most of the Hulk comics later in Peter David’s run?

P.S.: I haven’t actually read Peter David’s run on Hulk (yet), though I’ve heard it’s pretty good. And I’m one of the three people who read his entire run on Captain Marvel, so.... I probably ought to?

P.S.S.: Seriously, I fucking loved Peter David’s Captain Marvel. Seriously.